Worst Case Scenario
by Californiagirl2
Summary: Chapter 26: Final Chapter Up. Luka and Abby come full circle.
1. Circling the Drain

Worst Case Scenario 

A/N: I guess the title says it all. This isn't a story I thought I would write, but it came to me and insisted. I didn't want to make this part of Dream Lover because I think and hope for many reasons that the show won't go this route, and I want a happier end to that story.

Warnings: Spoilers for Episodes 13:1 and 13:2, some adult language and much angst.

"Circling the Drain" 

Luka Kovac did not want to go home. It had been ten days since they had lost the baby. Eight days since the service. Six days since Maggie had left. Three days since he had gone back to work. Two days since she had started smoking. One day since he had searched the apartment for alcohol. A lifetime since he'd known what to say to her . . or what to do.

She had withdrawn into a place he couldn't follow. She hadn't cried, not once, not when they said goodbye to their son, not at the service, not when they, well really he and Maggie, had buried him. They hardly talked, and when they did, it was never about anything that mattered. It was unraveling before his eyes. The irony of the fact that he had stopped for a drink himself after work was not lost on him. He said a silent prayer as he put the key in the lock – for what he wasn't sure.

He wasn't surprised. He knew it was coming could feel it in the air like a thunderstorm approaching. Abby sat at the table, a cigarette in her hand, a bottle of Scotch in front of her, open, a half empty glass at her side. There it was. She looked at him. Was that defiance? At least there was a spark of something left in her.

He threw his keys down on the counter and put his hands on his hips for a minute. Well then . . .fuck it. He walked over and got a glass for himself. He sat down and reaching for the bottle, he poured himself a glass full of the amber liquid. The bottle was mostly full. She'd had a glass . . maybe two. Thank heaven for small favors. She watched him, saying nothing. He picked up the cigarettes and lit one for himself. Then he downed the booze in one shot.

Finally he spoke. "You want to go down. Okay. I'm coming too. Let's chuck it all. . .our careers . . . .our health .. .. .each other. I can't stop you Abby – cause I've been trying – but I can damn well join you." He took another big drag on his cigarette.

She had been watching him, but finally, she broke his gaze. She stubbed out her cigarette. "I'm just so tired. Tired of fighting it. Tired of trying to get things right . . . . that are never going to be . . . right. I'm just tired Luka, you know?"

"Yeah, Abby, I know."

Then it happened, finally it happened. Abby started to cry. He watched for a second as the tears began to flow from her eyes, slowly at first, and she could wipe them away. Then something in her broke, and he saw it. He pushed back his chair, and knelt in front of her. Abby wrapped her arms around his neck and let herself cry as she hadn't since she was a little girl.

"I want my baby, Luka. I want my baby."

"I know, Abby, I know". He rocked her and stroked her hair.

"Why?"

"I don't know."

It became the wracked sobbing he remembered from the war. The heartbreaking cry of a mother bereft. When finally she stopped, he picked her up and carried her up to their bed. She weighed next to nothing now. She pressed her face into his chest. He laid her down, pulled off her slippers and covered her up. She curled up on her side, facing the wall, as she'd done every night since Josef had died. Then he got into the bed next to her and curled himself around her.

The last thing she said to him was "I thought he'd make it Luka. I really thought he'd make it." Finally, she slept, but Luka did not. Luka remembered.. . . ..

His hands were tied. They still were. But now no one would come and untie them, no one would make it easier for him to breathe. Would they? After they stabilized her with fluids and oxygen, they'd paged Luka. Hearing his beeper going off next door, Haleh had opened the door between them. Abby and Luka looked at each other, both helpless and scared.

"Luka!"

The rest was a blur. He'd made it over to her, his legs buckling under his weight, forgetting where they were, he had buried his lips in her hair, murmured her name. She'd touched his bruised face.

"Luka, the baby"

He stood up then, barked useless orders. Everything was already being done. Then they were in surgery and the baby born, limp and blue, but alive.

"Damn, it's not stopping." Coburn muttered. Abby was bleeding.

"Take it out."

"Just another minute."

He'd looked at the suction canisters already full of her blood and the monitors with her pressure falling.

"Take it."

And she had.

Abby had lived, but not by much. She'd gone into DIC and needed multiple transfusions of blood, platelets and clotting factors.

Meanwhile Josef had struggled. When he was two weeks, they thought he would pull through. Abby let her apartment go, and he'd packed up the boxes, moved them to his place. They were still full, lining the walls, stacked in the corners.

"I want us to be a family." That's what she had said. What were they now?

When he was almost a month, he developed a complication – NEC – necrotizing enterocolitis, his bowel was dying. When they prepped him for surgery, he knew. He arranged the Baptism. Abby didn't want it. Didn't want to believe he wouldn't make it. Luka had been in the room with Josef for most of the surgery. In the end, he went up to Abby watching through the observation window, said nothing, but took her hand.

After surgery, Dr. Anspaugh had said it all. "I'm so sorry." Three numbing words. They'd held his tiny hands while the tubes were removed. Then Luka wrapped him up, and Abby sat in the rocking chair holding their son until he was gone. Luka had taken him finally and kissed his head, and they'd gone home. Not a word was said. Not one. What was there to say? "Why didn't I . . . .?" "Why didn't you . . . . ?" Useless any of it would have been useless. He was gone and that was the only truth that mattered.

Maggie had let them say their good-byes alone. She had come back to the apartment and cooked.. . . .food that no one wanted or ate although they made a pretense.

"I'm so sorry, honey." Maggie had said as Abby had started up the stairs to bed.

Abby had shrugged, eyes blank. "It's like I said Maggie. Some people just aren't meant to be mothers." Luka cringed at the memory.

Maggie had made the arrangements for the memorial. It was held in the hospital chapel. Abby had told him she would meet him there. She wanted to take a walk first. He had begun to think she wasn't going to come. But she did. She walked in just before it started and took her place between Luka and Maggie. He'd reached over and taken her hand. They'd made it through the hugs and the sympathy . . somehow.

Abby had left the rest up to him. He couldn't go through with cremation, so instead, he'd made arrangements for a private burial. But once they arrived, Abby wouldn't leave the car. So he and Maggie watched the tiny casket being lowered into the earth. Luka spoke a prayer in Croatian. And they walked back.

The next day Luka drove Maggie to the train station.

"She'll get through this."

Luka nodded.

"She's stronger than you think Luka, stronger than she thinks. She will. She will get through this."

Luka nodded again. He just wanted this to end. . to be done.

"Take care of her. She won't let me. Maybe she'll let you."

Luka nodded for the third time. He wanted to scream. Instead he simply said.

"I will. Thanks for everything."

"Bye Luka. I'll call soon."

"Bye."

He had a couple of days before he had to go back to work. At first, Abby had wanted to go back early – but Coburn said she wasn't releasing her for work a day before the sixth week mark, and maybe not even then.

"Maybe we should unpack your boxes."

"Not now."

"You don't want your things?"

"No, not really."

"Okay."

"She finished the room. Maggie, she finished the baby . . . Josef's room. It has animals on the walls."

"Oh."

"Haven't you been in?"

"No. Did you want . . . . did you want to put things away?"

"No."

"Okay."

"Hungry?"

"No."

"You need to eat."

"Maybe later, I think I might try to take a nap."

"Okay."

And so it went.

When the soft, pink light of dawn began to creep into the room, Luka extracted his arm and went downstairs.


	2. One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

A/N: I forgot to do the usual disclaimers with the first chapter. So here it is: I don't own the characters and if I did – I certainly wouldn't do this to them. I completely agree with those who said they don't want the show to do this. I think it would kill the ratings for one thing, and for another no two characters deserve the baby more. But as I don't suffer from any delusions that I affect what happens on the show, I feel completely safe in exploring the darker side, as I do think or rather hope there is a good story here. I should say that I am not dealing at all with any job related fall out related to Clemente – everyone will remain as they were wrt work. I also forgot to give my thanks to my beautiful beta Claudia. Thanks for your help, send me the Kleenex bill. And thank you to everyone who took the time to review.

And now back to the angst . . . . . . .

"One Step Forward, Two Steps Back"

When Abby awoke, she was alone, and she was glad. She lay there for a long time thinking, then she got up, showered, made a phone call and went downstairs. She expected him to be at work. If she admitted the truth, she hoped he would be.

"I thought you were working today?"

"I called Kerry, told her I wouldn't be in."

"You look like hell."

"Couldn't sleep."

"I'm sorry. Sorry about last night."

"Don't be."

"Interesting approach."

"What?"

"Drinking with me. Leaving the bottle on the table."

He shrugged. "I guess I'm not up on the protocol. What was I supposed to do?"

"Well you could have gone with the look of dismay and disappointment. That's always good. Then there's the self-righteous and firm placement of the cork in the bottle, or the ever popular dumping it in the sink while looking me in the eye."

"Unless I'm prepared to buy and dump every bottle of liquor in Chicago, what good would it do?"

Abby shrugged. "It does no good. But, it's a nice dramatic moment."

"I see. I think we've had enough of those."

"I guess I supplied plenty of drama last night."

"You needed to cry, Abby."

"Yes, I think you mentioned that before. Don't you need to?"

"I have. Maybe, you haven't noticed." Abby winced. "Sorry. . . I didn't' . "

"No, it's okay, Luka. I deserved it. I've been wallowing. I admit it. It's hard to pay attention to someone else when you wallow." She reached out and touched his arm. "Can we take a walk?"

They walked down the long steps to the waterfront.

"I've made some decisions."

Deja vu thought Luka. When have I heard that? Oh, yes med school. . ..

"Decisions?" His voice cracked, he knew this was not going to be good news.

"I called Dr. Baker today. I saw her when . . . after . . . my . . abduction. I liked her. It helped. She's going to see me today."

"Good. I'm glad, Abby." Relief.

"Luka, there's something you need to know. Something that affects you, affects us."

Shit. "Okay."

"I … .I . . I'm not. Well, obviously, I can't have more children. But, I don't . . . I don't . . I don't want to pursue any alternatives. I just want you to know that. I know that it's something you want. Have wanted for a long time. So, you need to know before we go any further. It's not a possibility with me."

"You think, I'm thinking about having more children?"

"No, not now. I'm sure you're not. But you will."

"You know that?"

"I think I do."

"And you know you're never going to think about it? Ever?"

"Yes."

"That's bullshit. You can't know that."

"I can know it. I can't do it, Luka. You saw what happened. I'm not strong enough, I can't . . do . . it."

"Okay."

"Okay? What?"

"I said it before, Abby. I meant it. I don't want everything between us to come down to one decision."

"You're sure?"

"As sure as you are."

"Okay." She looked at her watch. "I have to go, there's a meeting I want to go to before my appointment. I can just make it."

"Meeting?"

"AA."

"Oh, okay, that's good."

"I'll see you at home."

"Yeah."

And she was gone. He went back to the apartment. After having one more glass, he dumped the scotch into the sink. Then he picked up the pack of cigarettes and went upstairs. Sitting in Josef's room, he lit one and smoked it down. He got up, closed the door, threw the pack in the garbage and falling on the bed succumbed to a dreamless, exhausted sleep.

A bell was ringing, an alarm, one of Joseph's monitors. He needed to get to him, to help, to stop the ringing. Luka sat bolt up in the bed, sweat on his brow, confused. The doorbell.

He ran down the stairs and opened the door just as they were walking away.

"We thought we'd missed you." It was Sam, Alex stood behind her.

"Hey, no, come on in."

"Thought we'd catch you at the hospital, but Kerry said you were taking the day off. Hope you don't mind? Is Abby here?"

"No, no I'm glad you came by. Abby had some things she needed to do today. Can I get you something? Coffee? Soda?"

"Soda." Alex spoke up.

"You got it. How are you?" Luka looked at Alex.

"Okay. I'm sorry, Luka. . . .about my Dad . . .about the . . .your baby. Mom told me. If I hadn't . . . " He was looking at the floor, very nervous.

Luka looked at Sam, and she shook her head, tears welling up in her eyes. Kneeling in front of the boy, Luka spoke. "Look at me. None of this. None of it was your fault. You have to know that."

Alex shrugged.

"Let's tell Luka our news."

Luka stood and put his hand on Alex's shoulder. "News?"

"We're . . we're moving. Richard . .. my boss. .he's moving to Florida to be closer to one of his daughters, and he offered for us to come along. I mean for me to keep my job. It's a great opportunity, and I have family near there too. Alex can swim, hang out at the beach. We need the change of scenery."

"Wow, when are you leaving?"

"Next week."

"That soon?"

"Once Richard decides something, it happens pretty quickly. Anyway, I gave notice, the hospital deferred the usual two weeks, after . .. . everything. So, I'm not coming into work anymore, and we'll be pretty busy getting ready to go. I thought we should . . . .tell you now."

"I'm glad you did. Can you stay for awhile?"

"Thanks, but we've got a ton to do to get ready. Right buddy?

"Yeah."

"Oh come on one game. We've got to have one game before you go. Not afraid are you?"

Alex smiled at Luka, and Sam nodded. They headed for the play station.

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"Okay that's it. We've got to go."

"Mom" Alex whined.

"I'm serious Alex. You said one, that was three, and you kicked Luka's butt. Say goodbye to him now."

"Bye Luka, I'll see you."

"Yeah see you, take care, Alex." Luka hugged the boy, and was gratified that Alex held on tight.

He ran out of the door ahead of Sam, she turned in the doorway to look up at Luka.

"I'm sorry Luka, really, really sorry, about so many things."

"Don't . . .you saved my life. I don't think I've thanked you for that."

"It was the least I could do after . . . . . everything. I've made a lot of mistakes. But this is the right thing for Alex. It really is. He needs a fresh start. And, so do I."

"I hope it works out for you. If you need anything. . . . ."

"Thanks, we'll be good. Take care of yourself. And give my best to Abby.

"I will."

"I hope things work out for you. You deserve it. You really do."

Luka nodded. "Bye."

Sam turned and smiled. "Bye."

Luka slid the door closed behind them and walked over to the table. He picked up a half finished glass of Coke and threw it across the room.


	3. Beautiful Disaster

A/N: Almost through the worst if you can hang on to the end of this chapter, things will start to look up. I promise. I'm trying something new with scene cuts so let me know what you think.

Warnings: Adult language and sexual situations.

Beautiful Disaster

Two weeks passed. Abby went to AA every day, sometimes twice, and to therapy twice a week. Luka went to work. On this day, he'd had a particularly bad shift. Drowning victim – two years old. Mother of three with a lump in her breast – probably malignant. Gang bang shooting – dead at ten. He'd saved no one.

They were still in limbo neither apart nor together. She went to meetings most evenings, slept with her back to him at night. And, her boxes were untouched.

Luka came in to find the table set for dinner.

"Made your favorite. I picked up the phone and called Mario's"

"Sounds good."

"I can't stay too long though. I told Neela I'd meet her for a movie.

After dinner, they did the dishes, talked about Neela. He felt closer to her than he had in a long time. Her hand rested on the counter. Luka reached out, picked it up held it in his own for a moment and on impulse kissed it. She pulled it back as if he'd burned her. It was in that moment, he understood. Why she'd given him the out. Why the boxes sat unopened. Why she avoided his touch. Why she always seemed to be leaving to go somewhere else. She was waiting for him. Waiting for him to end it. Just like the first time.

"Sorry." Abby said it quickly when she saw the hurt on his face. "I'm just. . .I don't know.. . .I don't feel ready . . . . "

"You don't want this do you?"

"I'm just . . I'm not ready."

"To unpack your boxes."

"Boxes?"

"You haven't opened one box."

'It hasn't been a priority."

"Look, Abby if you think your going to push me into being the one to end it again, you're wrong. This time if that's what you want . . you do it."

"What?"

"If you don't want to be with me anymore, then just say it. I'll move out till you can find a place you want. But don't wait for me to be the one to do it, because I can't. I won't."

"Luka . . . "

"Think about what you want. I'm going out. You can tell me when you get back if you want me to leave." It hadn't been very long. Maybe he was being unfair. But damn it he wasn't asking, hoping for much . . .just something.

Luka walked for a long time, and then he found a bar. And he drank.

She'd been watching him, handsome, alone, and he looked like he could use some diversion. "I don't think I've seen you here before."

"Haven't been here before."

"I'd have remembered you."

"Yeah?"

"Mmmm. Buy you a drink?"

"Why not?"

"I'm Bridget."

"Nice to meet you Bridget, Lance."

"As in Lancelot?"

"Could be."

"Good with your sword then?"

He raised his eyebrows. Bridget didn't waste time, and maybe that was okay. He'd wasted plenty.

"Did I embarrass you? You're blushing."

"Just considering the possibilities."

"You should . . there are a lot of them." She winked and put her hand on his thigh.

He knew he could fuck her anytime he wanted to. Outside behind the bar, in her car, in the hotel room he was going to need in a couple of hours anyway. Or all three. What the hell? It would be a few minutes of oblivion. A few minutes where he wouldn't hurt, wouldn't have to think. He'd be in control. She wouldn't be disappointed. He wouldn't be confused. And, he'd get up and walk away. He wouldn't care at all. Would Abby?

"Do you want to dance, Lance?"

"Why not?"

So they did. She pressed her body into his, trying to arouse him. It wasn't long until she felt him get hard. And for his part, Luka closed his eyes and took pleasure in physical contact with someone, it had been a long time. He could pretend it was Abby nestling under his chin, pressing against him . . .wanting him. It was better than . . . nothing.

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Abby and Neela walked out of the theater.

"Whose idea was that?" Abby asked. "All that happily ever after crap."

"Not mine, surely."

"I think it was."

"I thought it would be funny."

"A romantic comedy? You thought we'd enjoy a romantic comedy? I need a smoke."

"Abby, there's no way you're smoking. I'll buy you chocolate instead."

"You're on."

They settled into the coffee shop, mochas in hand. "How are you?" Neela watched her intently.

"I'm . . .as well as can be expected .. .I guess. You?"

"Same. When are you coming back?"

"Monday I think. It's funny at first I thought I'd want to come back right away. But … really I needed more time. Now . . I don't even know if I'm ready."

"I'm sure they'll give you whatever time you need. Abby .. . how's Luka?"

"He's . . . well . . . I guess he's as well as can be expected too."

"Really? He's like the walking wounded at work."

"Is he having . . . . problems at work?"

"Oh he does his job, it's just he's like a machine. I don't know him very well. . . . but he's off Abby. Is he okay at home?"

"I . . . I've had things in the evenings a lot . . . "

"Abby, is he seeing . .anyone, getting some help?"

"No."

"I don't want to pry."

"No, it's okay. He . . .he asked me tonight . . what I want. . . if I want to be together."

"And do you?"

"It's hard, Neela."

"I'm sure it is. Would it be easier without him?"

" I think in a lot of ways it would. I'm not sure I can help him. I can barely help myself"

"It's a terrible thing to go through. But you seemed . . so happy. . . . .before . . . are you sure Abby?"

"I'm not sure of anything … that's the problem."

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"So, Lance, my place isn't far."

"No?"

"Come on. We can walk."

"Okay, let's go."

They walked out of the bar, and she led him down the street. He took a deep breath, set his jaw, might as well get it over with.

"Are you alright?"

"You've probably heard about it."

"It?"

"The whole thing with Arthur and Guinevere. Very difficult."

"Oh yes, that would be. Lucky for you . . I'm nobody's lady."

"It's my lucky day."

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"I don't think you should be making big decisions like that right now Abby. You're still grieving."

"Then why is he pushing this?"

"I would imagine because he's scared and confused too."

"I know . . . . . I just want it to all go away, to be different. But it can't be, I get that. It's such a mess Neela what am I supposed to do?"

"Do you love him?"

"Yes."

"Then muddle."

"Muddle?"

"Muddle."

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"Want another drink?"

"Why not?"

She giggled. "You say that a lot, you know that?"

"It's better than asking why."

"Guess so. Have a seat." She indicated the couch, and he obliged.

She handed him his drink, climbed into his lap and started to unbutton his shirt. Her lips found his, and he kissed her back hard. His mouth moved from hers down her neck, and he murmured in her ear.

"Abby."

She pulled back slightly "Bridget" she said. But she was unfazed and began to work the buttons on her own top.

Not Abby. Bridget. Not Abby.

She pressed into him again and kissed his neck.

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Luka opened the door slowly. Would she even be there? Maybe she would just leave him a note. He thought in some ways it would be easier if she were already gone.

He went to throw his keys on the stand, but something was different. A blue vase? He didn't own a blue vase.

Then he saw her. She stood in the middle of the room with half a dozen boxes open. There were red pillows on his sofa, blue glasses on the bar, a stack of plates on the table.

"I don't know where to put half this stuff."

"Abby?"

"You wanted me to open boxes. I'm opening boxes."

He could hardly get the words out. "You're staying?"

"Yes .. . you still want me to . . don't you?"

"Of course . . yeah . . I just . . . I expected . . I thought . . .Oh God "

"Luka? Are you okay? . . . . . I'm sorry I haven't .. .. . been . . .here. . .for you. I just .. it's so hard and I feel like I'm barely hanging on myself. .but at least I have my therapy . . . and the meetings . . .and Neela . . . and .. . . you must feel . . .need . . . . to know .. .that I . . . care .. . . .I . . .love . . .you . . .even if I can't . . .don't . . have much right now. I think maybe . . .can we just . .. muddle for awhile?"

"Muddle?'

"Muddle, like struggle, let it be messy . … hard". He looked so lost. She walked over and hugged him, her face nestled against his shirt. She pulled back after a minute, looked at him as if he'd slapped her, felt as if he'd punched her in the stomach. "You don't smell right . . .. . it's . . . . God Luka where were you?"

"Bar"

"A bar?"

"Must have been a lot of smoke in there."

She shook her head. "I don't think smoke wears lipstick. Did . . . you . . . were you . . with someone . . tonight?"

He saw the pain in her eyes. He was such an idiot. What had Bridget called him . . a jerk off? Yeah that was it.

"Nothing happened."

"Nothing?"

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From the minute he had said her name, it had been over for him, the illusion, the delusion that this would buy him peace or comfort. He sat there for another minute, but when her hands reached for his buckle, he deposited her on the couch as he stood.

"I can't. I'm sorry. I have to go"

"You're kidding right?"

But he was already to the door.

"Jerk off."

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"I didn't screw her if that's what you're asking. I danced with her . . . . kissed her. Maybe I just wanted it all to go away, Abby. For just a few minutes, I wanted not to hurt. Guess I gave you your excuse to leave. Ironic when you'd just decided to stay." He walked over and sank into the sofa putting his head in his hands.

_Kissed her? Touched her? Wanted her?_ Abby blanched. "Did you know her?"

"No."

"Have you . . .has this happened before?" She felt nauseated.

"The bars yes. .. women . . no. It wasn't something I was looking for. It just happened. I'm sorry it did, more sorry than you'll ever know."

"No, you wouldn't have to look." She could hardly make the words come out. "I .. .. didn't . . . I thought somehow you were accepting this. . . better .. than me."

"Maybe I did at first . .maybe I could when I thought I still had you . . us. But I lost you both that day. Didn't I?" He looked at her now.

"No .. .no I lost myself. . .I'm just . . trying to find me again. . . . But it . . it can't be all about me . . I see that now." She crossed the room and knelt in front of him. "If you need someone, need to be with someone, I want it to be me. . . not someone else . . . . . ."

"It wasn't like that . . it was a chance for a moment of oblivion. You don't want this Abby."

She didn't. But she didn't want the alternative either.

"Maybe it will help"

She took his face in her hands and kissed him. He let out a groan and his hands cupped her face, ran through her hair.

She pulled away to lay back on the sofa. She could do this. Surely, she could do this much for him. She pulled off her tee-shirt.

Luka lost himself, he kissed her mouth, her neck. He unhooked her bra and his lips and hands moved down.

Neither of them thought about it. If they had, they probably would have assumed the chances were pretty low at this point. But it happened. She felt it, the warmth, the tingle of her breasts. The hot tears stung her eyes, and she put a hand over them. This was awful. Maybe it was just a sensation that meant nothing – like when you lose a limb and can still feel it. Maybe he wouldn't know, and she could just pretend.

Luka froze. Abby began to cry in earnest. She wished the sofa would open up and swallow her whole. He rested his head on her and cried with her. He felt like he had hurt her in every possible way, and he couldn't stand it.

"I'm sorry. I didn't think." He reached up to dry her tears with his thumbs.

"It's not your fault. I didn't think . . . thought it had been . . long enough. What are the odds?"

"Small."

"They seem to be against us lately."

"Can I . . .can I just hold you for a little while?"

She nodded and he helped her dress.

They sat together for a long time till Abby spoke. "It's late . . maybe we should go to bed."

"Yeah. I think I'll shower first."

"Okay."

Abby got ready for bed on autopilot, numb. As she opened the drawer to take out her hairbrush, a glint of gold caught her eye. She picked it up and held it in her hand.

She was waiting for him when he got out of the shower. He was surprised. He thought she'd be feigning sleep by now.

Abby gestured for him to sit next to her.

"I found something."

"What?"

She took his hand and placed the hard, metal object into it. He looked down. He didn't need to open it to know what it was. But, he did anyway, the compass.

"Luka, if I ask will you do something for me?"

"Anything."

"Go see Dr. Baker . . just once if you don't like it don't go back. But it might be easier . . she already knows. .. . .things . . you don't have to start from scratch. We're lost Luka. We'll pull each other under – you know we will. Please . . go."

Luka looked down at the compass, and then he looked at Abby.

"Okay, I will."

For the first time in a long time, Luka slept in Abby's arms.


	4. Courting Disaster

Courting Disaster

"I'm Dr. Kovac, Luka Kovac. I have an appointment with Dr. Baker."

"Yes, Dr. Kovac. If you'd fill out these forms, Dr. Baker will be right with you."

Questions, a lot of questions, Luka answered them all. He hated this stuff. Never understood how talking to someone could possibly help when the problem was . … . unsolvable . . .irretrievable loss.

But, he had told Abby he would do this, and so he did.

A few minutes after he had turned in the papers, a woman in her late fifties appeared. She smiled at him.

"Dr. Kovac? I'm Dr. Baker. It's nice to meet you."

He extended his hand to shake hers. "You've heard so much about me."

She smiled. "Come in. I'm sorry about your loss."

"Thank you." Luka fidgeted uncomfortably.

"What exactly brings you to see me?"

"Abby asked me to see you."

"So you're here for Abby?"

"Yes."

"I see. Well then why don't we start with that?"

"Okay."

"Tell me about Abby."

"Hasn't Abby been doing that?"

"I want to hear from you."

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"Our time is almost up. You said something when we first started talking that interested me. You said you were here because Abby asked you to come. I wonder do you always do what she asks you to do?"

"She's been through a lot. If I can do something for her, I will. Is that a problem?'

"No, not necessarily, just curious. So, Luka, you have a decision to make."

"A decision?"

"You can't come to see me anymore because Abby wants you to. It would be a waste of your time. It has to be something you want for yourself."

"Or not."

"Or not. Luka, I believe I can help you. Or if you prefer, I can refer you to a colleague."

"You can help? How does anyone help this?"

"I can't change what happened anymore than you can. But, people can get through things like this. It's easier . . . .with help, support and someone who can work with you to sort out all the feelings that come along. It doesn't have to be a professional, but it has to be someone."

"I've been through it before . .. . .by myself."

"All the more reason, that this .. .having this happen again . . . might be more than you can handle on your own. I'm going to be blunt with you. Abby told me I should tell you anything that I thought would help you. Usually when I'm seeing couples separately, I don't do this, because I'm not a go between. But you need to know at this point, Abby is expending a great deal of energy maintaining her sobriety and dealing with her grief. Is there anyone else in Chicago that you can confide in, get support from, vent to?"

"No, not really."

"I don't believe Abby can do it, Luka. And, you need support. You have family in Croatia?"

"Yes."

"Do you think an extended leave there would help you?"

"Leave Abby?"

"Unless she could go with you, but I think that would be too hard on her right now."

"I don't think . . . .. . I could . …. You're saying I should leave?."

"No, not at all. I'm just trying to help you consider your options. It's up to you to decide what's best for you. I'm sure you know this, but people who experience terrible tragedies in their lives sometimes become self-destructive. Luka, if you don't get help from me or someone else, I really believe you're courting disaster."

"So, how does talking help . . this?"

"Luka, you've been here about seven years?"

"Yes."

"And, Abby's the only person you can lean on, share your grief with? I think we have a lot to talk about. I think I can help, and I'd like to . . I'd really like to help you."

"Okay, I'll think about it. Thanks for your time."

"It was good to meet you, Luka. It really was. Here's my card. Call anytime." She put out her hand, and Luka shook it.

"Thanks."

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"How's your first day going?" Neela grabbed a chart next to Abby.

"I'm surviving. Harder than I thought though Everyone is being so damn nice to me."

"Terrible isn't it? I know the feeling. Hard to imagine craving a nasty remark from Frank."

"I know. It's so weird. It's like the pod people around here."

"Don't worry, it doesn't last."

"If you say so."

Neela moved off to consult on a patient. Abby looked for him again. He should be done with his session

"Here Lockhart." Morris handed her a chart.

"A hand laceration? You are giving me the most boring cases on the board."

"It's your first day back. You should take it easy."

Abby reached for another chart, and Morris smacked her hand. "What?"

"That's mine."

Abby nearly wrestled it out of his hands and started to walk away with it. She looked down and read the assessment and turned on her heel. She handed it back.

"You're right. It's yours. Sorry." She walked off.

Morris sighed and looked down at the chart, three week old with dehydration, rule out sepsis.

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Luka went up to the roof. He wasn't ready to go back to work. Maybe he wasn't ready for anything. He walked over to the edge and looked down. Courting disaster… is that what he was doing? He'd walked up to the edge with what's her name, hadn't he? It wasn't the first time he'd done damage, or almost had to himself or someone else. He had to admit that . . . . . . . it had been happening off and on for a very long time. Each time in the past he'd managed to step back from the edge or be pulled back, at least in the ultimate sense. How much longer would he be able to do that? Should he even bother stepping back? Would it really make a fucking difference? He looked down. There was a long way to fall. Would it even hurt?

He didn't have very many choices. Hurt himself, hurt Abby . . . . . or. . . . . He took out his wallet and looked at the picture of his son and Abby. Then he took out a small white card and opened his cell phone.

"Yes, this is Luka Kovac. I had an appointment with Dr. Baker today. I'd like to schedule another for Friday. . . . . . . That's fine. Thank you."

Luka put away his phone and stepped back from the edge.


	5. For You

For You

"Luka, I'm so glad you decided to come back. How are you?" Dr. Baker gestured toward the sofa in her office, and Luka sat down.

"Aren't you supposed to tell me that?"

"Spoken like a truly reluctant client. Is there something you wanted to talk about today?"

"I don't know. It's been sort of a hard week. I guess they have all been hard lately. Abby went back to work, which I guess is good. At least she's not at loose ends so much. And we . . . we . . put away some of the baby things. We're going to donate them to a battered woman's shelter. Abby picked it out."

"Would you like to tell me about that."

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"If you want I can do this. You don't have to, Abby."

"No, we should do it together."

"Do you . . do you want to keep anything?"

She looked around. "I don't .. I don't think so." They started filling boxes.

"Hey, not that. I want to keep that." Luka lifted a grey elephant from a box Abby was filling. "I .. .. .want . . .it. It's a . .. good . .a good memory."

Abby smiled. "Yeah it is. You're right we should keep it." She picked up the panda and put it in. "I'm not sure I ever want to see one of these again."

"I know what you mean."

When they were finished, Abby looked around. "I really did . . .I wanted this … I did."

"I know. Me too."

"I know and that's it. I know I've been avoiding you, but I just feel like I let you down."

"Abby . . no, don't do that."

"I do. I wanted this for me, but I wanted it for you too." Her voice wavered, and the tears welled up. "This is going to sound soooo corny, but I felt so . . . good that I was going to be the one to give it to you."

Luka crossed the room and held her. "I wanted it with you too . . for you."

"I know." She wrapped her arms around him.

"Abby, we can still . . ."

"Don't . . "

"I was going to say be together. We don't have to lose it all."

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"Sounds difficult, but you did it together."

"We did, we did it together."

"Why did you decide that you wanted to continue therapy?"

"I wasn't doing well. Abby can't see me through this by herself. I need to find a way to heal, maybe I have for a long time. That and I did it for Abby, I want it to work, I still want us to be together. I lost everything before, not this time."

"Why don't we talk about that .. what happened before."

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"How are you Abby?"

"I went back to work last week."

"And, how was that?"

"Sort of good, sort of weird. People treat you differently, you know?"

"That can happen."

"But, I felt like I could help people, at least patients over the age of five."

"It's probably best if you take it slow."

"Yeah .. .speaking of slow. . . . . "

"Yes?"

"I'm .. I'm beginning to get .. . worried."

"About?"

"I don't . .. . I'm not . . . I'm not interested in . . .sex."

"I see. I think all things considered, Abby that's not unusual."

"I know. I mean I know that the odds are it will be fine . . medically. . . . "

"But?"

"But, I just thought I'd feel .. something . . "

"Have you tried?"

"Sort of . . once. . .but .. . we stopped. The thing is I didn't feel . . anything. I don't feel anything . . when we touch . . .. "

"Abby, considering everything I think that's normal. Have you talked to Luka about it?'

"No. It's just we've always been . .. . .it's always been . . .. good . . .really . . really good. I'm scared what it will mean for us . . .if I don't . . .I don't know."

"You're worried about your relationship with Luka?'

"Yes, yes . . .. .. it seems impossible in so many ways."

"Does it?"

"Yes. And, then I think of losing him, and that's not what I want."

"So, you want your relationship with Luka to work?"

"I do .. and I know I'm not making that any easier. I'm doing what I always do when the shit hits the fan."

"Which is?"

"I shut down. . .I give up. It's too scary .. too hard."

"What scares you?"

"I know he'll wake up one day and come to his senses, and leave."

"But what if he doesn't? What if he stays?"

Abby blinked. "That's the most scary thing of all. "


	6. Muddling

A/N: Thanks to everyone who took the time to review. And, thank you for sticking with it. I know it's been a bit dark . . but there's always light at the end of the tunnel. . . . . . .

"Muddling"

Another week slid into two.

"How are things with you and Abby?" Dr. Baker sat back in her chair.

"We're muddling".

"Muddling?"

"Yes, that's what Abby said she thought we should do."

"Muddle?"

"Yes."

"And how do you feel about muddling?"

"I don't like it."

"I see. Then why are you doing it?"

"What else am I supposed to do? I can't push her. She's not ready … .to .. .for . . . for anything else. .. . "

"Like?"

"Being more than the couple that lost their baby. I know we have to grieve . . are grieving. .. .but there have to be moments when we're not . .. . . when we're . . . . .. .happy . . .together . . .. or something . . . . ."

"Have you and Abby resumed a physical relationship?"

"No."

"And how do you feel about that?"

He gave her a look.

"I see."

"I'm beginning to think it would be easier if we slept apart."

"You do?"

"Yes."

"Then why don't you?"

"I asked her if she wanted me to sleep downstairs, but she said she thought it would be better if I stayed."

"But you don't think it's better?"

"No."

"But you're staying?"

"Yes. "

"I see. Because Abby wants you to?"

Luka was getting uncomfortable and started to fidget. "And you're saying that's wrong."

"I'm saying you are as important as Abby. What do you want?"

"I want . … . . I don't want us to be miserable all the time. I want there to be . .. . . moments . . .when we're not fucking miserable."

"Are you talking about sex?"

"No, not just sex."

"Okay, so what does that look like, not being miserable?"

"We never go out. We never do anything anymore. She's got meetings. I've got work. I don't know."

"Maybe you need to go out more together? You could talk to Abby about that."

"She won't want to."

"Why do you think that?"

"I've tried."

"Why do you think she's reluctant?"

"Maybe this isn't as important to her as it is to me."

"But she's still there, telling you she wants to muddle. Are there other reasons that you can think of that Abby would resist being with you in that way?"

"Maybe . . . .maybe she feels . . . too guilty . . . . . that having fun would be . . wrong, or maybe she's just too . … . sad."

"That's possible.'

"Or maybe she's just waiting for us to end."

"Because she doesn't want it to work, or because she thinks it can't or won't?"

"You think she wants this?"

"Why don't you ask her?"

"I have."

"What does she say?"

"She said she loves me . . .she stayed . . .even when . . she could have probably should have . . left."

"Then don't assume things Luka. If you want to stop muddling, start thinking about how you do that.

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After dinner, Abby started to get ready to go out. She had a meeting.

"Listen Abby, before you go there's something I want . .. need to talk to you about."

"Okay."

"I . . . I don't like . . . . muddling."

"Oh." _Oh god, he's leaving_.

"I've been thinking, and this isn't really working for either of us. Is it?"

"No, I guess. ..I guess not. . .. "

"I . .. I think I should move out for a little while just a month . . maybe two . . and then we can both have some space and clear our heads . …. . "

Abby shook her head. "It's your place, Luka . . . I should go."

"No, I want you to stay . . I want it to just be temporary . . .I want. . . I still want to see you."

"See me?"

"Yes. Are you busy tomorrow night?"

"No, I don't think so. What are you saying?"

"I want to see you."

"You mean like a . . . date?"

"No, not _like_ a date, a real date."

"Oh." Abby looked perplexed. "Date?"

"Date."

"Okay."

"Really?"

"Yes . .. we can .. date."

"Good, so tomorrow night? I get off at six. You?"

"Seven."

"I'll pick you up at work."

"Are you leaving tonight?"

"Yeah, I was going to while you're out.'

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to stay with Ray, he still hasn't found a roommate."

"Ray? Do you think that's a good idea?"

"Why?"

"Don't you think there's a reason why he hasn't found a roommate?"


	7. First Date

A/N: Thank you so much to everyone for the reviews. The encouragement means a lot. This one is a change of pace.

First Date

"He wants to date me."

"Who?" Dr. Baker sat back and watched Abby shift nervously.

"Luka, he moved out, and he wants to date me. He's already told you this, hasn't he?"

"Abby . . . . . no. How do you feel about it?"

"I . . I don't know. It's been hard. I guess I've been expecting him to leave. But dating? I didn't expect that."

"It can be hard when parents lose a child, for them to feel okay about enjoying themselves, the grief can be pretty overwhelming. But, it's important they take time to connect, to remember why they were together in the first place."

"Lately, I just can't stop thinking about it?"

"What?"

"If I'd gotten help sooner . . . . '

"Abby, you can't blame yourself for what happened. You did the best you could in the moment, made the best decisions at that time. Maybe you could shift your focus to what's possible now."

"You mean . . .like . . a life with Luka."

"If that's what you want."

"If that's what he wants."

"Doesn't he?"

"He says he does."

"Seems to me like he's trying to find a way to make it work."

"He'll want children some day."

"You sound convinced."

"I am."

"And you don't want that?"

"No, I can't."

"There are ways . . . . "

"I don't want that . . I don't want some other woman pregnant with our baby."

"Adoption?"

"He'll want his own. He can have his own – if he leaves me."

"You think people who adopt children don't feel that they are their own?"

"Of course they do . . . . . .I don't know . . .it's too much risk . . too much heartbreak . . . . I can't do it. I'm not strong enough."

"Abby, you've been through a huge loss. Everything you are feeling is completely normal and understandable. I just hate to see you make decisions right now that affect the rest of your life."

"It will only get harder to lose him."

"You don't think Luka would lose something himself if he left you?"

When Abby didn't answer Dr. Baker continued, "People make all kinds of choices in life, sometimes what they want most . . .changes. Are you going to decide what he wants most for him? Or are you going to let him make that decision? The question that you have to answer is what do you want?"

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"You ready to go?"

"Yeah . . ready."

"You look nice."

"Thank you."

"So where are we going?"

"You'll see."

"A surprise?"

"Mmmhmm"

When they arrived at their destination, Abby shook her head. "You've got to be kidding me?"

"No, why?"

"This is our date?"

"We never got around to it before."

"A pool hall?"

"They have great burgers. Come on it will be fun." He took her hand and pulled her in."

Moving to a table, Luka racked the balls. "Ladies first."

"Okay, but I have to warn you, Richard had a thing for pool for awhile. I'm pretty good."

She sank four balls, and then Luka got his turn. He sank five and turned the table back to Abby. She finished off the game, and smiled at him.

"I warned you."

"You did. How about 2 out of 3, winner treats the next date? Just to make it interesting."

"You're on."

"Winner first."

Abby stepped up, and this time she sank only three before turning the table back to Luka. He chalked his cue deliberately, winked at her, and cleared the table. Then he turned to face her.

"You suck, Kovac. I knew you played. I didn't know you were a pool shark."

"Misspent youth."

"I guess."

"You want to go first?"

"Oh no, winner first. I want to see you do that again."

He did. Abby sat back and watched, taking pleasure in the way he moved his long arms and legs, the concentration etched on his face. She felt her stomach flutter. Maybe dating wasn't such a bad idea after all. When he finished, he turned to look at her.

"Forgive me?"

"Only if you show me how you made that last shot."

"Deal."

He lined the balls up and handed her the cue.

"Lean in like this and aim for the ball right there, he touched the ball lightly on the right edge. She took a shot and missed.

"Not quite." He lined them up again. "More like this." He put his arms around her and held the cue with her. His breath was hot on her neck and his touch on her hand was light. His body fit around hers in a familiar, but almost forgotten way. Abby felt a flush course through her. They took the shot together, and the ball rolled easily into the pocket. He let go, and she turned to face him.

Looking up at him she said. "Thanks."

"No problem, it's all in the wrist."

Well, not **all** in the wrist, Abby thought, and she smiled. This was good. This was very good.

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He walked her to the door. "Do you . . .do you want to come in?"

"On the first date?"

"I . . I thought you might need something."

"No, I'm good."

"Okay, well then, thank you, for the pool and the burgers. I had fun."

"Me too."

There was an awkward pause.

"I guess I should go. See you tomorrow at work?"

"Yeah."

He turned to walk away.

_Don't let him go_. "You're not going to kiss me goodnight?"

"You want me to kiss you?"

"Maybe . . . .I don't know . . .I don't want you to think I'm easy."

"Easy? Not much chance of that."

"Shut up." She hit him playfully, and he took the opportunity to catch her off guard. He slipped one hand on her cheek to hold her face and leaning down, kissed her softly. He felt her respond and start to lean into him.

He pulled back slightly. "Good night, Abby." Turning he walked away with a very big grin on his face. "Remember the next one's your choice." He called over his shoulder.

"I remember." Abby said, "I remember."


	8. When A Man Loves A Woman

"When A Man Loves A Woman"

Luka found Ray sitting on the sofa, remote in hand. He clicked the television off as Luka came into the room.

"Working late?"

"Date." Luka scooped a pile of what he presumed was Ray's laundry onto the floor and sank into a chair.

"Date? I don't mean to pry . . .but isn't that sort of fast?"

"With Abby."

"Oh. You moved out, but you're dating?"

"Yep."

"Okaaaay."

"It's complicated."

"Yeah. Sorry."

Luka waved his hand. "It's okay. It was a good date."

"It couldn't have been too good because . . . you're here . . and she's . . not."

"Taking it slow."

"Yeah, I know slow."

"You do?"

"Slow _and_ complicated."

"Oh." _What had Abby told him about Ray?_

"So . . . . . you're old and experienced. . . . ."

"Pardon me?"

"Sorry, seriously . . . . .. . do you think it's better to risk being the rebound guy or risk some other guy being the rebound guy?"

_Oh yes, that's right_. "Neela?"

"Yes, Neela. Want a coldie?"

"A coldie?"

"A brew, a beer?"

"Sure." Ray brought two beers over and made himself comfortable again.

Luka took a swig and considered. "A few years ago. .. . I thought Abby and I might get back together .. . .but it was a bad time for her .. so I stepped back."

"Yeah?" Ray leaned forward. "And?"

"She ended up with someone else for a year."

"Oh, that blows."

"Yeah, no kidding. Pretty tough to see her with another guy."

"Carter?"

"How'd you know?"

"Hospital dish you . . Abby . . Carter . . all over it."

"Great."

"So, then you wish you'd gone for it?"

"I don't know. Maybe it wouldn't have worked for us then. Who can say?"

"That is really no help whatsoever, but thanks anyway."

"No problem."

"Want some tunes?"

"Yeah, check in that box over there I brought some."

Ray thumbed through the box, his eyes growing wider every moment. "Dude, you've got Manilow in here."

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"So I hear you had a date?" Catherine Baker settled back in her chair.

"She told you."

"Yes, that you were having one yes."

"It was good . . .great. We laughed, joked . .. I think it was good, we needed it."

"I'm glad. Once you make up your mind you move fast."

"Yeah, it seemed important."

"What was most important?"

"To break the cycle."

"Cycle?"

"Yeah, Abby and I, we do this thing . . we've done it before . . . we get locked in this place . . .where we can't talk .. . can't enjoy each other . . .I don't know . . it's not good."

"Doesn't sound good. I remember what you told me about your prior relationship with Abby. You felt that was happening again?"

"Something like that."

"We've talked about your marriage and your relationship with Abby. I'm wondering about other relationships you've had . . .. .since you've been in Chicago."

"When I first started working at County, I met a nurse . . .we sort of dated for awhile . . I'd try to help her out with her house, car, things like that, she'd make me dinner . . sometimes we'd go out with the babies . .. . but she left. . . .to be with . . . the father of her children."

"Children?'

"Twin girls. She was pregnant when we first met. It was never . . … we never. . . well the relationship never got too far."

"Carol? Carol Hathaway?"

"Yes."

"Okay, I knew her. So that ended when she left Chicago?"

"Yes. And then Abby and I got involved shortly after."

"What happened after you broke up?"

"There . . was this woman. . .I don't even know if you can really call it a relationship. I was trying to help her. . she had some money trouble, lost her job. I offered her a place to stay. We slept together, and she . . well I thought . . .she told me she was pregnant. Then it turned out she wasn't, and she left town."

"What happened when you thought she was pregnant?"

"I was . . . planning . . .on . .making it right."

"Making it right?"

"Marrying her."

"How long after you broke up with Abby did you have this relationship?"

"Weeks."

"Did Abby know?"

"Yes . . she . . she questioned the whole thing . . . Nicole . . . .turned out she was right."

"What happened after Nicole left town?"

"Nothing for awhile, then I started dating casually, nothing serious. And, Abby and I started spending time together. She needed a place, and she stayed with me for awhile."

"Abby lived with you then?"

"Yes, but we were . . . . .just friends. She helped her neighbor leave an abusive husband and the . . . jerk beat her up . . .broke her nose . . . ."

"You wanted to protect her?"

"I wanted to kill him."

"Seeing her hurt brought up a lot of strong emotions for you?"

"Yes."

"What did you do with all those feelings? Did you talk to Abby about it?"

"No . . .I . . .beat the guy up . . .let him know how it felt . . . . .told him to stay away from Abby. She never knew."

"I see. Then what happened?"

"After she moved back to her place, she started seeing someone pretty seriously."

"How was that for you?"

"I hated it."

"Hated it?"

"I was hurt . . . . .I guess I thought . . . we might . .get back together. And, I was jealous. The thought of her . .. . being with him. . .. . drove me crazy. Not to mention I felt like an idiot."

"An idiot?"

"I'd pulled back, thinking she needed space. I didn't think they'd be together like that, not then."

"Then?"

"They were . . . friends . . .when we were dating . . talked a lot. . . .I thought when we broke up she'd go to him."

"How did you feel about their friendship when you were together?"

"At first it didn't bother me. They were friends, co-workers."

"And later?"

"It bothered me more and more."

"Did you tell Abby that it bothered you?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I don't know. I didn't want to make her angry. I went back and forth between telling myself he was just her friend, and there was no reason for her not to have friends and wanting to throttle him."

"While she was with this other man did you date too?"

"I don't know if you could call it dating. I . . . . . lived fast, lots of women, drinking . . whole thing. At first, I hurt people. They thought it . .. the sex . . .meant something it didn't."

"What did it mean?"

"Comfort, escape . . .that I didn't care .. . ..I don't know."

"You said at first you hurt people, how did you change that?"

"I made sure I was with women who didn't expect something I wasn't going to give. At least I tried to make sure of that."

"What was that like for you?"

"Awful, like living someone else's life. It just seemed like there was no way out. No way back to where I wanted to be . . no where to go to . . just stuck spinning my wheels for about a year I guess."

"Must have been hard."

"It was. Then I went on a medical mission to Africa, got malaria. Came back pretty sick. I planned to go back and work in Africa – leave County and Chicago."

"You did?"

"Yes, then I met Alex."

"Alex?"

"Alex and Sam . .Samantha."

"The nurse who was abducted during the shoot–out?"

"Yes."

"Tell me about your relationship with Alex . . and Sam."

"From the moment I met him, I just felt this connection. Like he needed me, and we became friends. Then Sam and I started dating."

"Did you feel a connection to her?"

"We both cared about Alex, had fun doing things as a family, went camping that kind of stuff."

"Must have been nice for you to have that again."

"It was. Then Steve, Alex's father . . . came to Chicago."

"The gunman?"

"Yes."

"What happened then?"

"He stayed with them . . . .Alex was really attached to him. . . . I backed off . . thought it was best for Alex. Kind of a joke huh?"

"You backed out of your relationship with Sam because you felt it would be better for Alex?"

"Yes."

"What happened?"

"They left town to get away from Steve, and then Alex called me, asked me to come get him. He didn't want to leave, liked it here, he was tired of moving. They moved a lot before."

"And you went."

Luka's face blanched. "I went."

"Luka?"

"It just hit me, if I hadn't gone . .. . everything would be different."

"You couldn't have known."

"It was one of those decisions in life you make thinking you're doing something right . . something good . . something to help. And it just comes around and . . … . . . "

"No one has a crystal ball."

"No."

"So you went after them and convinced them to come back to Chicago?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because Alex needed stability. Sam needed to stop running."

"What did you need?"

Luka considered for a moment. "To have people to take care of, to come home to, to help."

"What happened?"

"I convinced her that they should live with me. They moved in sometime in the fall and left in July."

"Last July?"

"Yes."

"Why did it end?"

"She said I wanted more children . . .she didn't want any more. . . said I never talked to her . .. .she was angry a lot. You name it . .that's why it ended."

"And was the fact that she didn't want any more children an issue for you?"

"I wanted another child. But, I wouldn't have left."

"Were you happy in the relationship?"

"Happy?"

"Yes, happy."

"It was . . . fine . . . we had Alex . . our work. . . . . . . No."

"But you would have stayed."

"Yes."

"Same with Abby?"

"No . . not the same. I was . . . we were happy. Really happy."

"Because of the baby?"

"No. Because of . . .us."

"You sound sure."

"Very sure. It was good. Very good . .. .. .it wasn't about the baby. Not for me, and I don't believe for her either."

"Would it surprise you if I told you I see a theme?"

"Theme?"

"In your relationships . . women with children, women who need help or protection for one reason or another . . . . .Carol, Nicole, Sam . . .even Abby when she was hurt, variations on a theme. It's not surprising considering what happened to your family in Croatia that you want to help and protect women and children in a very personal way. I think in your case though, it's very important that you give thought to your motives before you get involved romantically as a means of helping or saving someone else."

"You think that's what I'm doing with Abby?"

"I don't know Luka. You're the only one who can answer that. I can tell you from what you've said about your relationship with her, she doesn't fit the mold in the same way. I just think you should be clear with yourself now why you want to be with her."

"Why I want to be with Abby? . . . . .If I ever thought I could protect her .. . . I guess I don't anymore . . . . most of the time I'm not even sure I can help her .. . . "

"So you feel you can't protect her . . . and there's no child to consider now . . . . . "

"There's this . . . .thing between us. I think it was there from the moment I first met her . . . . .there's this spark … this thread.. . . .. . Have you ever seen a downed electrical wire? How it dances and sparks and then lies quite and then flares again . .. it's like that."

"It sounds intense."

"It is. It can be . . . scary and .. . .powerful . . and beautiful, and I know what I'll have if I lose her."

"What?'

"Nothing like that . . . a watered down life."

"You want the intensity?"

"I want Abby."


	9. Instant Replay

A/N: Thank you for all the kind words and encouragement. This one is for those who were afraid I was going to make it too easy.

"Instant Replay"

"You're cruel. You know that don't you?"

"Me? You should talk. You started this."

"I'm ready to end it. I can't do this."

"Oh, be a man, Luka."

"You like to see me suffer."

"Suffer? No. Humiliated? Maybe. Put this on, it might help." Abby reached into her bag and tossed something to Luka.

"You think this is going to help?"

"No, but at least you'll look cute doing it."

Luka sighed and looked over at the batting cages. He put the baseball cap on his head

Abby laughed. "Here turn it around, I like it better that way. " _I like you in that hat._

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Luka tossed in his bed, the air coming through the window was warm, and he missed her . . … . more than he thought he would. He heard a soft rapping on the hotel room door. Not an ill hotel guest, not now. He opened the door.

"Abby?"

"Hey."

"I didn't think you . . could . . would come over tonight."

"Mom's asleep. So I thought, why not?"

"I'm glad you did."

"Not half as glad as you will be."

They laughed, and she pressed into him. He bent to kiss her, and they shuffled close to the bed and fell onto it. She was so soft under him and her hair felt like silk running through his fingers.

"Wait a minute."

"What?"

"The hat."

"Hat?"

"Mmmmm. Put on the hat."

"The hat?"

"Yes . .. . .. . the hat . . _.just_ . . the hat."

"You're kidding."

"I'm not kidding. Come on . . . it will be fun . .. ."

Fun did not begin to describe it.

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"You're up, Luka."

"Up?"

"Batting."

"Oh yeah, batting. No, you go first. Show me how it's done."

It had been a long time since she'd done this herself. She found her body remembered things her mind had long forgotten as the piece of wood connected with the ball time and time again. Not always with accuracy or speed, but consistently.

"Your turn."

"You really want to see me do this?"

"Come here, I'll give you a lesson."

Luka walked over and sighed.

"Okay, stand with your feet apart." He exaggerated, Abby laughed. "Not that far apart. Now choke up on the bat."

"Choke?"

"Like this." She moved his hands. "Good, now keep your eye on the ball." She moved out of the line of fire. He took a swing and missed. As the balls continued to come, he began to make contact. "That was close. Good. There you go. You got it, much better."

Luka suffered through the onslaught of balls, improving slightly, but taking more pleasure in hearing her laughter when the ball ricocheted out of control or he missed entirely.

"Is it over?"

"Don't be a wimp."

"Come on, I'll buy you dinner. What do you feel like?"

"There's only one thing that goes with baseball."

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Abby had to work that night, so they strolled along the river eating their hot dogs. When they finished, they paused, and Luka leaned on the railing looking intently at her.

"How are you?"

"You really want to know?"

"Of course."

"I thought you wanted fun."

"I don't want to pretend or hide, Abby. I just . . . . . we're more than what happened."

"I think about him every day."

"Me too."

"You do?"

"Of course I do."

"The worst part is, I know someday I won't. Someday I'll be going to bed, and realize I'll have gone the entire day without thinking about him. I'll hate that."

"It's not like that."

"No?"

"It's more you stop carrying them around in your head, and you carry them in your heart instead. They're always there."

"Oh Luka." She leaned into him, eyes brimming.

"You'll always be his mother, Abby. It just won't always be this raw."

"I'm so sorry you had to do this again. It was supposed to be different. Damn it, Luka, it was supposed to be different."

"But it's not."

"No, it's not."

He looked at her, held her face. "If we could change it, we would, but we can't. We can only go on. I want to go on with you."

Abby felt her heart pound and impulsively leaned in and kissed him. Then she pressed her forehead into his.

After a moment, she pulled back. "I have to go, my shift starts soon."

"I'll walk you the rest of the way."

"No, I think I need a few minutes to pull myself together."

"Okay."

She started to walk away and then turned back. "Your treat next time, don't forget."

"I won't forget." Luka said, "I won't forget."


	10. Letting Go

A/N: Time to thank my beta readers again, Claudia, who has hung in from the start and always saves me from myself, and Jenny who has jumped in the last couple of chapters and helped make them better than they would have been. Much thanks!

As to the last chapter, sorry for any confusion about the "just the hat" flashback scene. It was meant to be set after the softball game in "Where the Heart Is" - think of it as a deleted scene.

"Letting Go"

"How are you, Abby?" Catherine Baker studied her carefully.

"I'm . . . okay. I only have to go to meetings three times a week now. At least I don't feel like getting bombed out of my mind every day."

"That's good."

"Only every other day."

"One day at a time."

"Luka and I went out again."

"How is that going for you?"

"It's . .nice and it's weird. I hate living in his place without him. It's like he's everywhere . . . but he isn't . . .. . I miss him. But, he was right … . it's easier . . somehow to enjoy each other . . .now . . than it was . .. "

"That is a good thing, Abby."

"Yeah. We . . we talked about Josef."

"You did?"

"Yes . . . .he's so much better at accepting it than I am. I just . . I still want to change it . . . .I wish that I had . . .or he had . . .done something different."

"Luka? That's the first time you've said that. What do you wish he'd done differently?"

"I wish he'd let them go. . . .not tried to help . . . . . .her . . . . Sam. That's horrible isn't it?"

"All things considered, Abby, I don't think it's horrible. Do you think that's what he was doing?"

"Helping?"

"Helping Sam?"

"I don't know. It could be. It's not in him to see someone he thinks he can help . . .and not."

"Is it in you?"

"Maybe not."

"It's a good thing, as long as you don't get yourself sucked into someone else's problem."

"Or if someone has a gun."

"It's not always about guns, Abby, you know that."

"I know about getting sucked into someone else's problems . . . . I never thought about us being alike that way .. . but maybe . . . .we are."

"Abby, do you believe that if Luka could have protected you and the baby, he would have? Even if it meant risking or giving up his own life?"

"Yes."

"I think so too. Are you angry with him for the choices he made?"

"Angry? No. It's the same old thing, I just want it to be different. I want to be arguing with him over stupid things like where to change the baby, or cloth or disposable, or how often to feed him .. . .something normal . . .. not trying to get over losing our baby . . ."

"It could be he was trying to solve the problem for everyone . . . Sam, you, his co-workers, himself . . . ."

"Save the world."

"Save his world maybe."

"Still . . . . ."

"The problem is you can't change the past . . .. . and you can . . . .cause yourself more grief and loss in the present by being focused on what you can't change . . . ."

"I know, I know . . I know . . "

"I know how important your work, your career is to you . .you still have that . . ..and your sobriety . . .and Luka .. . .. .those are all things that matter to you . …all things you can keep."

"I don't know . . it's not fair to him . . . . "

"Not fair to Luka? What?"

"Keeping him. He can still have it all – marry a model, have three kids."

"If that's what he chooses – maybe."

"So what he's going to choose? A barren, divorced, alcoholic with mental illness in her family?"

"Is that how you see yourself?"

"On the bad days."

"But what about the good days?" No response. "It seems to me that right now he's choosing you. Why do you think that is?"

"Because he's crazy? Because he's a good guy who feels . . responsible . . wants to save me. . . . . . . ."

"Can he?"

"What?"

"Save you?"

"No."

"Do you want him to?"

"No."

"Do you need him to?"

"No."

"What do you need from him?"

"I need him to be with me because he loves me."

"Do you think he does?"

"Love me?"

"Yes."

"On the good days."

"That's a start."

"Do you think he does?"

"I think if you're not sure you need to talk to him."

"We're not good at that."

"What?"

"Saying it . . we don't . . .so much. But, you know that was okay . . . . . before .. . because I knew . ... . "

"Do you think what he feels has changed or is it something else?"

"It's me . . .I .. .it's like I've lost my confidence, my center . .. ."

"Then maybe if we work on finding that . . . the rest will come."

"Maybe."

"I think it's the present you need to focus on if you want to get through this. Do you?"

"Want to get through this? " Abby sighed, "Yes."

"Then what's the next step?"

"Letting go . . . . . .starting to accept it . . . . .."

"Let's talk about that . . .."

"I have to say good-bye to him."

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"How was your week, Luka?"

"Not bad . . . .we went out again . . .. she's still struggling with it."

"With?"

"Josef's death."

"Aren't you?"

"Yes . . . .but it's different for me .. I think."

"Different? How?"

"When I saw her hand . . . her bloody hand on the glass . . . .I thought I would lose them both . . . .that they would both die . . . . .. . . I . . .I can't help it . .. . .I feel lucky to not have lost them both . . … . ."

"Because last time you did . . .lose your wife and your children."

"Yes. For a long time . . .I couldn't accept it . . .. . I felt so guilty . . .. I was so caught up in the past and . . .. . .Abby saw it, or felt it maybe."

"She did?"

"Yes . . when we broke up years ago. She told me I was married to a ghost."

"I see. And, you think she was right?"

"She was . . she was right. I couldn't let go, not really. The thing that shocked me most when she said it was that she knew . .. she understood me . . . I didn't think she really did . . . know me then .. .. but she did. Anyway I don't want to make the same mistakes. I hung onto the guilt and the . . . . the anger . . . too long . … and it . . .it destroyed things . . . . ."

"Anger? How did that destroy things?"

"Not today."

"Okay, another time . . . so now? "

"I know if I fixate on Josef . .. .or the hysterectomy . . . . .or everything we lost that day . . . . . . . .I'll ruin it again."

"You want to do things differently this time?"

"Yes. It's not that I'm not sad. .he's gone . . . . .that we'll never have any more children . . . . ."

"How are you with that?"

"Not having more children?"

"Yes."

"Right now, I can't imagine it anyway. . . "

"But, if you want more and Abby doesn't?"

"Then I accept it."

"Can you?"

"I'll have to."

"It would be possible to have children in your life in other ways . . . . ways to volunteer, get involved . . . .. "

"She might change her mind."

"She might . . and she might not."

"She changed it before."

"Tell me about that."

"She was going to have an abortion. But, she didn't. She was so afraid . . . . . . .and she did it anyway .. .kept him . . . . had him . . . . " Luka smiled at the memory. "He was like a gift, our first night . .. . . .and with all the reasons not to keep him . . . .. . . . .she had a lot of reasons. He was a gift."

"You can't count on her changing her mind again."

"I'm not. It's just she's capable of so much more than she thinks she is . .. . .. I see it . . . . .. I guess maybe I always have."


	11. Cold Water

"Cold Water" 

Abby knocked on the door. She could hear music playing, a man's voice singing. _Oh my god_. It wasn't Luka. Ray? She knocked again. The music stopped.

"Hi Ray. I'm meeting Luka."

"Come on in, he's in the shower. Can I get you something?"

"No thanks."

As she walked into the room, Luka stepped into the hall wearing nothing but a towel around his waist and toweling his hair dry. He didn't see her at first.

"Why the hell is there never enough hot water?"

"Old pipes, cheap landlord, Abby's here."

He stopped, feeling embarrassed, caught off guard. "Hey, I'm sorry. Am I late?"

"No, I think I'm early." She felt her face flush taking him in.

"I'll just get dressed."

"Okay." She wondered what might have happened if they had been alone. It was good to want him again.

Luka broke her gaze, but the darkening of her eyes and the heightened color in her cheeks hadn't escaped him. Maybe having a roommate wasn't the best idea. It had been a long time. It had been a very long time. He went to dress.

She turned to Ray who had a grin on his face watching them. He raised his eyebrows.

Time to take him down a notch. "Ray, am I imagining things or was that 'Mandy' I heard when I came to the door?"

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"What are you some kind of sports fanatic?"

"I thought it's better if we keep moving."

"Like sharks?"

"Something like that."

"At least it's non-competitive."

"You do skate?"

"Of course I skate. Don't tell me, you can do a triple lutz?"

"No – more the hockey kind of skating. But maybe we could do one of those throw jumps."

"You're going to pick me up and throw me across the ice? Just how many people do you think we'd take out?"

"Maybe not."

"Mmmhmm. Ready?"

"Ready."

They made their way onto the ice and skated side by side for a few minutes till Luka reached out and took her hand.

"Maybe we should start our pairs career slowly."

"Come on we can do a little better. I can skate backwards. Here like this." She turned to face him and took both his hands. "Now just don't steer me into anyone."

"Don't you trust me?"

"Of course I trust you. I'm skating blind aren't I?'

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"The hot chocolate is pretty good."

"I make better."

"You never made me any hot chocolate."

"I will."

Abby stared into her drink. "The last time I was skating, I was pregnant."

He studied her.

"It was after Nate went home . .. .the Lou Gehrig case . . last February."

"I remember … .your professor."

"Yes . . . med school. He stopped me from dropping his class . . .quitting."

"You were going to quit?"

"That's what I do Luka. Even when it's something I want, something important to me, when it gets too scary or too hard, I quit."

"Not always."

"I had a handle on it for a while .. . . . I think I lost my grip."

"Don't quit, Abby. . . don't. . . . .quit us."

"I'm not sure I can be what you need."

"What I need? Do you know that most of the time, I think you're the only person in the whole world who knows who I am anymore? If you stop knowing me, who will?"

"Luka. . . . " She put her hand in his.

"Do you really want to quit?"

"No. It's just . . .. . hard . .sometimes." Abby took a deep breath, "Luka?"

"Yes?"

"I want to go see him. Will you come with me?"

"Yes. When?"

"Tomorrow okay?'

"Tomorrow's okay."

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He came to pick her up.

"Ready?"

"No, but I want to do this. Luka, if it's okay with you, I want to bring him something."

"Sure."

Abby held up the grey elephant. "Do you mind?"

"No." He reached out to hold it. The loss washed over him like a wave. "Shit." His eyes were filling.

"Luka?" Her hand was on his arm, her eyes on him.

Luka covered her hand with his. "It's okay. Let's go." He managed a weak smile.

They were silent during the drive and the walk to the small grave. Abby knelt down and put her hand on the marker with his name, Josef Nathaniel Kovac, and the dates horribly close to one another. Placing the elephant next to his name, she knelt down beside it. After a long time, she wiped her eyes, stood and spoke.

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change . . . . courage to change the things I can . . . .. .and wisdom to know the difference."

"Amen."

"You believe in God."

It was a statement, not a question, but he answered anyway. "Yes."

"How?"

"I believe there's more to life than what we can see . .. or sometimes understand . . .more to death too."

"Sometimes I wish I could believe."

"They say faith is a gift. Who . . who were you praying to just now?"

"I was talking to Josef."

Luka nodded.

Abby reached out and took his hand. After a few more minutes, they left, hands still clasped.


	12. Beautiful Dawn

A/N: You've all been so patient. I hope you enjoy it. 

Warnings: Non-explicit sexual content.

"Beautiful Dawn" 

They had resumed their habit of stealing a coffee break at the roach coach together at least once a shift.

He studied her as she sipped her coffee. "Are we still on for tomorrow night?"

"Yeah."

"I thought maybe we'd slow it down."

"Slow it down?" _Could it go any slower?_

"Dinner. There's a place I've been wanting to go, near my . . .,your . . our . . apartment."

"Okay."

"It's . . .a nice place . . .kind of quiet . . ."

"Okay."

"Okay, I got to get back, meetings all afternoon." He smiled and moved off.

She watched him walk away. Something had shifted since they'd been to the cemetery. She'd only been to one meeting that week, the desire for oblivion from a bottle slowly leaving her for other possibilities. Still, a meeting tonight was a good idea and therapy tomorrow. . . .and Luka.

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"I went to . . . . .to his grave . . .we went."

"What was that like for you?"

"It was . . . hard. . .. and it felt right . .. . to say good-bye with Luka."

"That was a big step for you."

"It was . . it felt like it."

"Last time we talked about finding your "center" again."

"I have to decide about Luka. I know he thinks we should be together. But, I can't be with him because _he_ thinks it's a good idea. I tried that before with someone else . .didn't work too well . .. "

"No, you're right . .you can't stay with him because he wants you too. What do _you_ want?"

Abby sighed. "I feel like I have to keep deciding about him. Every time I make a decision, something happens, and I have to decide all over again. . . . . .I don't want to have to keep deciding . . . . "

"You and Luka have been through a lot."

"We have . . . . and we keep . .. .. finding each other. He said that . . .last Christmas . . right before I told him about the baby."

"And now?"

"I just want to know . . I want to wake up one morning and just know."

"Sometimes it's not like that."

"Tell me about it. It's like med school . . . "

"How?"

"Well, I knew I wanted to be a doctor. Then things would happen, and it would feel too overwhelming . . impossible. Or I'd freak myself out about making a mistake and killing someone . . . . and I'd . . I'd stop being sure . . .let things get in the way."

"What made you go back and finish?"

"Actually, it was getting dumped from a really bad relationship. It was bad for him . . bad for me . . bad for us. But, I realized … .I saw what I was doing. I was blaming the fact that my life kept falling apart on someone else, Eric or Maggie or Richard or Luka or Carter. But it wasn't them, it was me. I saw it . . .. and I knew if I wanted my life to be different . . I had to make it different and that meant med school . . and doing what I really wanted. And, I just _knew_, in one moment I knew what to do."

"And now?"

"And now . . . .same story right? I can't sit around blaming this or that for what I decide to do ….. .. . "

"Or not do."

"It's just . . it was so clear to me what I had to do . . . .and now … . "

"You don't know?"

"I don't know what to do . .what's right for me _or_ for him. But, I know I love him. "

"That's not a bad place to start."

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She was only on her fifth outfit when she heard him come in the apartment.

"Abby?"

"Yeah, I'm here. Be right down."

"Okay." Luka picked up the stack of mail she'd set aside for him and leafed through it.

"I'm ready." Distracted, he'd missed her approaching him.

He looked up. "Wow." 

"Wow?"

"Wow."

"Thanks." She blushed.

He couldn't decide what sparkled more her earrings or her eyes. Where had he seen them before? Something about them . . .. oh yes . . .the necklace too.

"You haven't put your hair up in a while."

"You like it up?"

He nodded, but he thought what he really liked was taking it down.

Abby broke the silence. "We should probably go . . . ."

Staying held more interesting possibilities, but he held out his arm and she slipped her hand through it.

"It's not far, we can walk. It's pretty warm out tonight."

"Feels like rain." Abby said as the stepped out into the night air.

"Naw."

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The restaurant was small and quiet, candles on the tables, piano player, small dance floor . . .romantic. Abby looked at him and raised her eyebrows. He smiled at her and shrugged.

After they were seated, he ordered. "Bottle of sparkling water please."

When the waiter walked away she said, "You can have wine."

"I know."

"I'm doing better."

"I know that too."

"Only two meetings this week . . . . . "

"Must feel good."

"It does . .. .. .it's nice to not always be craving the escape . . the numbness . . "

"Yeah."

Something about the way he said it, made her ask. "Is that what it was for you?"

"Drinking?"

"The women? Before I mean."

"Yes."

"I wasn't much of a friend"

"I didn't want you to be my friend."

The waiter appeared as if from nowhere, "Ready to order?"

They were quiet over dinner, making idle talk about work .. . Ray . . . Neela . . .Kerry . . . the apartment. It wasn't till the tiramisu sat between them that she said it.

"Thank you for coming with me . . . Sunday."

He reached for her hand on the table and twined his fingers through hers.

"I feel like it sort of ended a chapter for me. You were right. I realized .. . he wasn't there. He's . . he's wherever I am. . . . . .I carry him with me . . . .still. After all, I'm where he spent most of his life. I guess knowing that or .. feeling that makes me . . .more free . to go on . .. ."

"I'm glad, Abby." He didn't know what else to say. "Dance with me."

He led her to the small dance floor in front of the piano where other couples swayed together, softly moving in the dim light. He pulled her to him, and she let herself press into him. It had been a long time since he'd held her this way. Since they'd danced like this. _What are **you** looking for? What **are** you looking for, Luka?_

But she couldn't ask the question, and so the answer never came.

As they walked out of the restaurant a light rain was falling.

"Told you."

"Want me to run and get the car?"

"No, it's not raining hard. Let's walk. I used to love to walk in the rain when I was a kid. Drove Maggie crazy."

She put out her hand, and he took it. They walked feeling the light rain come down. Eventually, he dropped her hand and put his arm around her. She felt like she was taking cover, warm and wet all at the same time. The rain picked up as they walked and their clothes became increasingly damp.

"You should come in . . change your clothes .. .. "

"I guess I should."

He slipped his light jacket off. Her silk blouse was clinging to her. He could see the lace of her bra through it. The sight made him catch his breath.

She opened the door, and they walked into the darkened room. His hand found the light switch. He couldn't take his eyes off her . . . her long flowing pants now clung around her . . and her eyes . . . they had a glow he hadn't seen . .. in a long time. … . . . .

"I must look like a drowned rat . . . I'll just run up and get you something . . . and take off these wet things.

_Don't go_. "Okay, great . . thanks."

She slipped out of her things and put on her robe. Then she pulled out some dry clothes for him and headed back down.

He was staring out the window, arm pressed to the glass, forehead pressed into his arm.

"Luka?"

He turned around to see her standing before him, satin robe clinging to damp skin. She held out his clothes.

He looked away. "You know, never mind. I'll just change at Ray's. I should . . just . . .go."

She tossed the clothes on the couch. "Luka? Are you . . is something wrong?'

"No . . . . I just . … .you're killing me, Abby."

"What?"

He turned to face her. "I'm not sure what you want . . and I know what I want . . . and if I stay . . .. .I'll . .. . ."

A feeling washed over her so strong it shook her, not just desire, but clarity. The doubts that always seemed to cling to her vanished. She knew ...what she wanted .. . and it was right in front of her. _He_ was right in front of her. When she stopped the bullshit in her own head, she _knew_, maybe she had always known. She didn't have the words to tell him, so instead, holding his gaze Abby let her robe drop to the floor and stood before him.

He covered the space between them in two steps and pulled her into him. Finding her mouth with his own, he kissed her long and deep, his arm wrapped around her more tightly as he felt her eager response. He pulled her hard against him.

"Ahhhhh." She pulled back.

"What? Sorry. . . you need to stop?" _Don't need to stop._

"Your . . belt."

"Ohhh . . sorry… ."

"Here I'll fix it." She unbuckled it and pulled it off and tossed it aside. "You really should get out of those wet things . . . . .it's not healthy."

"You first."

"I hardly have anything on.'

"Still . . .you can't be too careful."

Mouth followed hands as he removed the two offending garments each in their turn leaving her breathless and trembling. He was taking his time. Still on his knees, he coiled his arms around her and pressed his face into her belly letting his lips trace over the scar they shared. Her fingers ran through his hair. She thought there was something particularly sensual in being naked while he still had his clothes on. But damp as they were, they really did need to come off. She helped him to undress, shirt first, sliding it off and letting her hands run over his skin. He wasn't cold. He should be, but he wasn't.

Foregoing comfort for proximity, she sank down joining him on the floor. He slid his hands up her arms into her hair, and tossing the clip aside, let her hair fall down on her shoulders. He ran his fingers through it, and then they slid down again over her body. She reached for him, and he moaned as he lay back taking her with him. Any lingering worries, slipped away in a haze of desire and exquisite sensation, and she called his name in a burst of pleasure that radiated through her.

She lay on him a fine sheen of sweat covering them both. His hands roamed over her, as if he wanted to be sure she was really there.

"That was . . ." she started.

"Yeah it was . . .."

"Maybe we should only make love .. three times a year . . or something."

"_That_ is an incredibly bad idea."

She looked at him and giggled. "You're right . .. . but still .. . . . wow."

"Wow?"

"Wow. Luka?"

"Mmmm."

"I want you to come home."

"I thought I just did."

"I'm serious."

"So am I."

She lifted her head again to look at him. "Really?"

"Yes."

"Good because I really miss . . .your cooking."

"Glad I'm good for something."

"One or two things maybe, but I am kind of cold."

"Let me fix that."

"I was thinking we should take it upstairs. Last one in bed does dishes for a month." She rolled off him and ran for the stairs. She had a head start, but his legs gave him the advantage. He pulled her to him as they reached their bed, so they fell on it at the same time.

"We'll do them together." She didn't get to answer because his mouth came down on hers.

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Her hand reached up to pull the covers off her tousled head. She looked up at the light streaming in . . .a soft pink glow filled their room.

"Hey . . Luka . . . ." She tapped him.

His ruffled dark head came up from beneath the covers. "What?"

"Look . .. . .dawn."

"Beautiful." He said, without taking his eyes from her. The light danced off her necklace, and she was aglow.

She settled into his arms. "Do you remember the last time we stayed up all night making love?"

"Of course."

"As hard as it's been, I . . I don't regret . . . . . having him. . I can't . . . . . "

"I can't either. . ."

"Luka?"

"Mmmmm."

"Why did you kiss me that night?"

"Because you were in pain . . .. .because I'd hurt you, and I hated that I'd hurt you. And . . mostly . . "

"What?"

"Because I was so very tired of _not_ kissing you."

She smiled and snuggled in closer as they both dozed off, sleeping through breakfast . . . . and lunch.


	13. The Day After and The Day After That

Thanks again to everyone who took the time to review. As always it is much appreciated, and I hope you continue to enjoy the story.

The Day After and The Day After That

Luka awoke and found himself alone. He threw on jeans and a t-shirt and went downstairs to find her. Abby was dressed and stood looking out the window. He smiled and came up behind her wrapping his arms around her waist and pressing his lips into her neck.

"Been up long?"

"Not long."

She put her hands on his arms, but he could feel the tension in her body. "Hungry?"

"No." She turned around to face him. "Luka, I just . . I need to know you're sure about this . . . about us."

"Of course I'm sure."

"Because I haven't changed my mind . . . about anything . . . . ."

"You mean about being parents again?"

"Yes."

"I know that."

"So, I just . .. . . you're sure?"

"Abby . . . " Luka sighed. How could he explain this? "I was happy with Danijela and the children. And . .. for a long time I thought the only way to be happy again, was to find the same thing . . . .but I was wrong. I was happy . . .very happy with you before we knew you were pregnant. I wasn't even thinking about having a family .. I was thinking of being with you. We were happy before Josef, not because of him. And, we can be happy again . . … .we can get to the other side . . . . we've seen it. .. . it's just time."

"But, I've seen you with children . . with Alex . . . I know what it meant to you to be a father. You'd be a great father."

"You'd be a great mother."

"Don't."

"It's true Abby."

"How can you say that?"

"Because you never gave up on him, not once, and if that doesn't make you a great mother I don't know what does."

"You're trying to get me to change my mind."

"I'm trying to get you to stop lying to yourself about who you are and what you can do."

"I'm too afraid."

"I know."

"Don't you . . .aren't you . . . . ?"

"Afraid? Of course, it's just fear doesn't seem very . . . . useful. So, I try to ignore it if I can. But even if you didn't feel so strongly, I wouldn't be thinking about another child now anyway. I've lost three, Abby _three children_. Maybe I'm not supposed to be a father."

"Don't say that."

"Why? You say it."

"That's different."

"No, it's not. Don't act like I'm perfect, and you're the messed up one. Because you of all people, Abby know that's not true."

"Luka … .. I'm sorry. I didn't mean. I just I need to be sure that we're not fooling ourselves or each other."

"I'm here for one reason Abby . .I love you."

"Sometimes love isn't enough."

"And sometimes it is. It's a lot Abby. What we have, it's an awful lot."

"I want you to be happy. I don't want you to give up .. .what you want for me."

"What if you're what I want?"

"Why?"

"You know why. You feel it too. . . .. don't you?"

"Yes . . . I feel it too. . . .that's the scary part."

"No, Abby that's the best part."

She looked down and shook her head and smiled. _What the hell?_ "The _best_ part?"

He saw the shift in her, and it made him smile. "One of them anyway."

She took a deep breath. "So, we're really doing this?"

"You mean us?"

"Yes us."

"Yes. Abby . . … " He reached for her hands. "If there's ever a day, I find I'm thinking about us and . . . a child . . . and you aren't . . I promise I won't pressure you . . . . .. . I'll figure something out . . . . . . .. .some way to be okay with it. It will work. This is what I want."

She took her hands from his and ran them up his chest winding them around his neck. "You always sound so sure."

"I am. You're not?"

"I'm sure for me . . just not for you."

"Maybe you need more convincing."

"I think so . . . .. . …maybe you could . . persuade me . . .. ."

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They were draped on the couch, his head rested on her stomach. He looked up at her and spoke plaintively. "I need food."

She smiled. "What? Man does not live by . . ."

"Abby." He sat up and reached for his pants. "Tell me you have food here."

"Um . .. . .I think there's . . .something."

"How do you survive when I'm not around?"

"I'm never here . . . " She sat up and looked for her clothes. _What did he do with them?_ She spied his abandoned t-shirt and pulled it on following him to the kitchen where he was staring into the refrigerator hopefully.

"Omelets. There's eggs and . . . . . cheese." He pulled the plastic off and shook his head. "Well enough to salvage anyway."

"It's not my strong suit."

"Food?"

"Domesticity."

"It's a good thing you have other charms."

She giggled, and he cooked.

When they had finished eating, she cleared the table. "Feel better?"

"Much."

"Strength returning?"

"Why?"

"Oh, no reason. I'm just going to take a shower. .. .and I thought. … .you might …. . "

"Yes?"

"Like to join me . . .water conservation and all."

"If it will help the planet. . . . . "

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The tile was cold on her back, but the water was hot, and he was warm. His mouth covered hers, and she felt his hands adjust her hips, and then he was inside her. She clung to him pressing her hands into his back, wrapping herself more tightly around him. He shifted her again, and she moaned. Leaving his mouth, she tasted his ear, his neck, his shoulder. Then the tempo slowly increased until they reached a crescendo in both volume and sensation. He held onto her for a minute pressing his face into her neck, then let her slide down till her feet touched the tile once again.

She shivered, and he pulled her under the stream of water. "Here I'll wash your hair." She arched back a little. He put the shampoo into his hands and then using his fingertips massaged her scalp and ran his hands over the length of her hair.

"Mmmm that's nice," she murmured. "You know, I was afraid things wouldn't be quite the . . . . same for us . … you know with .. the surgery . .. . .but it's been . . . . . . .great."

"Given the type of surgery . . .. . your age . . the risk of a . . .problem wasn't too high . .. . but . . ." His hands worked the shampoo through and then he tilted her head to help her rinse.

"What?"

"There are . . um . . . strategies . . "

"You . … .looked into it?'

"I . . .. did some research . .. .I mean . . I read. … "

She turned and looked at him. "That's really so . . .. ." _Sweet? Thoughtful? Romantic? Determined? Horny?_

He shrugged. "Conditioner."

"What?"

He smiled at her confusion. "Not that . . . . . .your hair, I'll finish it."

"I owe you."

"Don't worry, I'm keeping track."

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Luka lay in bed listening to the sounds of the night through the open window. She rested on top of him listening to the beat of his heart.

Finally she spoke. "Thank you."

"For?"

"Today, it was really . . . lovely."

"You're off tomorrow, right?"

"Yes . . not on till Monday morning. We have one more day to hide away from the rest of the world . .. … . although … ."

"What?"

"I may have to call in sick."

"Why?"

"If we keep up this pace, I may not be able to walk by Monday."

He laughed. "That bad?"

She looked up at him. "Maybe there's some sort of workman's comp . .. . . after all you are the chief of the department .. . .. … ."

"Somehow I don't think it's a covered injury. But draft a memo to Kerry – should be interesting .. . ."

Abby laughed and put her head back down.

"If you want, I'll give you tomorrow off … . . "

She looked up at him again. "Don't . … . . I love this .. . . . I love being here with you . .. .. . .it feels like nothing horrible happened . . . . . .like it never could happen. Two days of that isn't too much to ask, is it?"

"No, it's not too much to ask." He wrapped his arms around her back and his legs around hers, and he hung on tight.


	14. It's All Relative

"It's All Relative"

"I moved back in a couple of weeks ago. But she probably already told you that . . ."

Dr. Baker sat back and watched him carefully. He was much more relaxed, comfortable and unguarded. "She did, but it's good to hear it from you. How have you been?"

"Good, really good."

"How is it living together again?"

"It's been going great . . .we talk . . . laugh . . . .we've even gone out a couple of times."

"Sounds good."

"I'm not saying there aren't hard moments . . . . . . the door is still closed."

"The door?"

"The nursery."

"Oh."

"She hasn't asked me to paint it . . . we don't really need it . . ."

"Do you want to paint it or use it for anything?"

"No."

"I see."

"It's like the last connection . . . . maybe . . . or maybe it would be giving up . .. . .completely. . . . on the idea .. . . . "

"Of children?"

"I'm ready to move on . . without them . . with her. . .I'm ready."

"It sounds like you're doing very well, Luka."

"There is something . . . . though . . that I've been thinking about . . . a lot . . something I need to do. I'm a little afraid to tell her though, I'm not sure how she'll react."

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Luka lay on the sofa flipping channels, round and round, not satisfied with anything he could find. Abby sat with his feet in her lap, reading her novel, completely engrossed.

Finally, he clicked the television off. "Abby?'

"Hmmmm?"

"Abby, could we could we talk for a minute?"

"What? Sure." She put her book down and looked at him.

"I've been thinking . . . about you know . . .all the holidays coming up."

"There are no holidays this year."

"What?"

"I'm ignoring them."

"So, if you ignore them, they go away?"

"Sort of. I can't imagine . .. . .celebrating them. . .not this year . . .. ."

"I know . . I mean . . I was thinking maybe if we did something . . . .really different . . .it might be easier."

"Really different?"

"I've been thinking I should . . .I want . . .. it's been a long time since I . . . ."

"Yes?"

"Went home for Christmas."

"Oh. You want to go home? To Croatia?"

"Yes."

Abby took a deep breath. "If you need to go, you should go. I'll be okay here." There was no resentment in her voice, just acceptance a sense of inevitability.

"No . . I didn't mean just me . . . I want you to come."

"You want me to go to Croatia with you for Christmas?"

"Yes."

"With your family?"

"Yes."

"Meet your family?"

"Yes."

Abby got up and started pacing. "I don't . . .. . .know . . . …. ."

Luka sat up. "Just . . will you just think about it? If you really don't want to, we don't have to go this year, or we can go another time. I just thought . . .maybe somehow it would be easier to not be here. And, it's been a long time since I've done it."

"Six years."

He nodded. "I won't go without you."

She stopped walking and looked at him. "It's important to you, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"I'll think about it."

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"He wants us to go to Croatia for Christmas."

"What do you think of that?"

"I think it would be hard to be in Chicago. I think it would be hard to be in Croatia."

"The first holidays after a loss can be very difficult."

"But if we're in Croatia it's not just the holiday. I have to meet his family. What if they don't like me? "

"Meeting family isn't always easy. What do you want to do?"

"Crawl into a hole the beginning of December and come out again in January."

"I see. Have you told Luka how you feel?"

"Sort of. I told him I'd think about it. And, I am. It's important to him."

"Is it more important for him to go or for you to stay?"

"I don't know. Family means something different to him. I know that. I mean the last thing I want to do is spend Christmas with my family this year. But, I can understand why he would want to go home. Why he needs to go home now. Sometimes I don't know how he does it."

"Does it?"

"Goes on . . . lives .. .. loves. He's buried three children . . ._three children_. . . not to mention his wife. Sometimes I think about what it would have been like if Luka had died too. He could have. I can't imagine going on . . . . .the way he has."

"How do you think he does it?"

"He . . .he has this . . . . .faith . … .a hope . . or a belief . . . . I don't know . . that things will be okay . . . . . . that it will work out . . .somehow. That things happen for a reason . . .I guess. I think it must come from his childhood . . his family. . .his religion. . .something. But, it's been hard for him . . .losing Josef . . I know. I think he needs to go home to heal….. to get more of whatever there is . . . . . there."

"But, is it something you can do, something you will be comfortable with?"

"He's been trying really hard . . . to give me what I need . . . . .I have to do the same for him . … . .I want to do that for him."

"So?"

"So, I guess we're going to Croatia."

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"Two coffees please." Luka handed her one of the cups. "You wanted to talk?"

"I've decided . .. . I've decided to go with you to Croatia. But . . ."

"But?"

"I'll spend the time, formerly known as Christmas, with your father and your brother and his family. But, no big parties . . . . no meeting everyone you've ever known, and no Church for me."

"Deal."

"If you want to do any of those things, it's fine. Just count me out. I can't stand the thought of meeting a bunch of complete strangers who know . …. .what happened. I just can't. Okay?'

"Of course okay. I don't want that either. I just want to see my family, and have them meet you. And, I think they need to know I'm okay . . .to see it. You know?"

"I do understand. It's just . .. . . it will be hard . . . . but if it's what you need. We should do it. I can do it."

He got as close as he could to her then and pressed his forehead into hers.

"Thank you."


	15. Family Matters

A/N: So, here we are in Croatia, Zagreb to be exact. First disclaimer is that what I know about Croatia I've learned from Google – so to those of you who know more – if I am in error – my apologies. Second disclaimer, some of you know that I already wrote a family for Luka in 'Once More with Feeling' – or rather borrowed Mrs. Eyre's wonderful characters. I didn't feel it would be right to insert them into this story. So, I have taken on crafting a different Tata for Luka. If he resembles Ivica in any way – well then that's just Ivica's fault for being hard a hard act to follow. Special thanks to my beta readers Claudia and Jenny who gave me much assistance with a rather challenging chapter. And also my thanks to those of you who review and keep my courage up to finish this thing! Finally, there is a flashback scene in this chapter. It's in italics and you can think of it as being a deleted scene from the early part of season 10. "Family Matters" 

Luka eased his seat back and stole a little extra leg room in the aisle. Too bad they couldn't afford first class. He looked over and watched her play with her hair, then reach forward for a magazine and thumb through it, and then look distractedly out the window.

"Did you reach Maggie and Eric before we left?"

"Yeah, I talked to Eric last week. He's got a new girlfriend. They're going to spend Christmas with Mom. I forgot to tell you he said to say 'Hi'. And, I talked to Maggie last night. She always . . . ."

"What?"

"It's like she's on eggshells with me. As if I'll explode or something if she says the wrong thing."

"She's worried about you."

"You're supposed to be on my side."

"I am on your side."

She scrutinized him and let it go. "She sends you her best and 'Merry Christmas'."

"You didn't tell her?"

"Tell her?"

"There is no Christmas this year."

"Then why did you do all that shopping?"

"Because you didn't want to?"

"I don't know how you did it."

"I couldn't go home empty handed."

Abby sighed. "You excited?"

"Yeah. You?"

"More like terrified."

"It's going to be fine. You'll see. They'll love you."

She took his hand and tried to believe it was true.

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She saw him before Luka did, a tall man with white hair and Luka's nose and his smile. So, Luka looked like his father . . .. .would Joe have looked like Luka? Those were the thoughts that stung.

"Luka!"

"This way." Luka said to Abby and steered her toward the man with his hand raised.

He dropped the bags and embraced his father. They spoke in Croatian briefly. Then he stepped back and put his hand on her back pushing her forward slightly.

"Tata, this is Abby. Abby, my father, Javor."

She put out her hand. "Nice to meet you."

He took her hand and covered it with his other. "Nice to meet you, Abby. Good flight?"

"Yes, fine thank you."

"Come . . . .I take you two home."

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The apartment was small but comfortable. There were sketches and paintings on almost every wall. Abby realized that he must have done the sketch of the woman that hung in their apartment. She'd never thought to ask.

"You're in your old room." He nodded to Luka who carried the bags in.

"Hungry?"

Abby nodded.

"Good. It should be almost ready." He disappeared into the kitchen.

"You okay?' Luka rubbed her arm.

"Yeah, it's colder than I thought."

"It will be a bit warmer on the coast when we go to Antun's."

"That will be nice."

Javor came out of the kitchen. "Come sit. We'll eat."

"You like wine, Abby?"

He hadn't told him. She blushed and looked at Luka. "No, thank you. I don't drink."

"Oh . . .I didn't know. Luka?"

"No thanks, Tata."

"Good influence, huh?"

Luka smiled and tried to catch her eye. Javor sensing the tension between them poured himself a generous glass.

"So, Abby . . tell me about your family . . you have brothers? Sisters?"

Great.

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After dinner Javor excused himself claiming to be in the habit of an evening stroll. Abby suspected it was because he knew there was trouble.

As soon as he was out the door, Luka tried to pre-empt the inevitable. "Abby. . . . "

"You didn't tell him. .. . . ."

"It's not .. . . ."

" . . . . . .anything. . .why I don't drink . . . . about my family. . . . .nothing. . . ."

"I didn't know if you'd want me to tell them you're an alcoholic. I thought it should be up to you. Do you want me to tell him?"

"You're ashamed."

"I'm not. How could I be ashamed of you? It's just . .. . .it's not how I see you. . .what I think of when I … ..talk about you. This is going to sound idiotic, but it honestly didn't occur to me to tell him about the alcohol or your mother or your brother. I had more important things to tell him about you . … . .us."

"The baby."

"The baby . . .and that we were happy . . .. and then that we were working it out. . .getting through it. I'll tell him whatever you want."

"I'm too tired to think."

"I'm sorry. I really am, I didn't mean to . .. hurt you . . to ruin this . . . "

Abby sighed. "It's not ruined . .. . . . .we'll figure it out. But, he should know if we're really in this."

"We're really in this. You're right, he should know."

"No, you were right. It needs to be my decision who knows. It's just …. ."

"What?"

"It feels weird."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"I was so preoccupied with . . . .this being one of those . . . '_he _would have been' . or . .'_it_ would have been' . . .times . . .that I forgot to even think about whether they knew . . …"

"Abby . .." He took her in his arms. "The stuff with my family . . .it will be okay . . . we'll make it okay."

After a moment, she looked up at him. He could make her believe almost anything. "Let's clean up before your father gets back."

They were in the kitchen washing dishes when he returned.

"Good walk, Tata?" Luka asked.

"Yes, thank you. You two kept busy. Want coffee?" 

"I think we'll just go to bed, jet lag, long day."

"Okay, you need something you just ask, Abby."

"Thank you."

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"Twin beds?"

"I don't think my father's changed anything since Antun and I left." While Abby pulled on her pajamas, Luka lifted the small bedside table out of the way and then pushed the beds together. "Better?"

"So which was yours?"

"That one I think."

"So, would this be your first time getting lucky in that bed?"

He smiled. "Am I going to get lucky? You were pretty upset."

"Might as well put all that emotion to good use. You're evading the question."

"Yes, it would be my first time."

"You can pretend you're sixteen."

"I wouldn't have been able to handle you at sixteen."

She laughed and pulling back the covers jumped in. He followed her.

"It's okay, pretend I'm sixteen too."

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He lay on his side next to her propping his head with one hand and studying her neck and the curve of her shoulders. He ran his fingertips over her skin and then small kisses.

"I don't know how I'm going to face your father in the morning."

"What?"

"The noise."

"I thought we were pretty quiet."

"Didn't you notice the bed?"

He shook his head, shrugged.

"Squeak . . squeak . . .squeak .. . .I can't believe you didn't hear that."

"I was . . .busy."

"Yeah, I know that was the squeak . . squeak . . .squeak."

He laughed. "He's probably asleep."

"If he sleeps with earplugs."

"You're exaggerating. Besides it's not like he doesn't know we're lovers."

"Lovers . . . . .really that word has such a nice ring to it. I mean . . this is Luka, my boyfriend, doesn't sound right. But, I could introduce you as Luka, my lover. Now, that has a ring to it."

He shook his head. "Husband would be better."

Abby looked at him in surprise. "You'd still want that?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"The usual reasons, Abby." She looked so shocked he couldn't resist. "I'm after your money. Look, I know it's another lousy proposal. But, just . .. . just think about it. Okay?"

"Okay."

He lay his head down and pressed into her. "It means a lot to me to be here with you, Abby."

"Me too." She felt his hand move down her arm and wrap around her. He felt so good, smelled so good. "Luka?"

"Hmmm?"

"How sound a sleeper is your father?"

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The next morning, Luka found his father sipping coffee at the table and reading the paper. After pouring himself a cup, he joined him.

"Morning, Tata."

"Luka. You sleep okay?"

"Yeah, great thanks."

"You two elope or something?"

"No . . why?"

"I thought maybe you were on your honeymoon."

The door to the bedroom opened, and Abby emerged. They both looked up at her.

Luka took the opportunity to escape. "I'll get you some coffee."

"Good morning, Abby. You sleep well?"

Abby blushed despite herself. "Yes, thank you."

"Luka didn't keep you awake with his . . . how do you say it? Snoring?"

His expression gave nothing away. Abby guessed he'd be a good poker player. It was impossible to tell if he spoke in seriousness or jest. And yet, she suspected that he was sizing her up. She put on her best expression of innocence.

"Oh no . . .I'm used to Luka's snoring. I just slept right through it." She wasn't bad at poker herself.

When Luka came back from the kitchen with Abby's coffee, Javor was laughing. He spoke to Luka in Croatian.

"I like her."

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They spent the day touring Zagreb with Javor, the Art Pavilion, King Tomislav's Monument, the Croatian History Museum and a little shopping with a stop at Sirok Candlemakers for a gift for Maggie.

When they paused for lunch, Javor asked Abby about her work.

"You have, what two years left of your training?"

"That's right."

"In Emergency Medicine like Luka?"

"Yes."

"And you were a nurse . … that's how you two first met?"

"Yes. Well I was actually in medical school when we met, but then I took a break for awhile . . .and kept working as a nurse."

"You really moved yourself up, must have been hard?"

"At times . . . it seemed impossible."

He smiled at her. "No surprise Luka is so proud. Good to do the impossible when you can."

Abby blushed. When Javor excused himself, she turned to Luka.

"I like him."

"Good. He likes you too."

"You think?"

"He told me."

"I think I'm going to tell him at dinner. Do you think it's too soon?"

"I think you should do what feels right to you."

"It's just sometimes . . .the longer you wait . . . .the harder it is."

Luka nodded. And for a moment, they were both lost in a memory.

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_He was sitting in the ambulance bay, getting some air, taking a break._

"_Hey." Abby walked over and sat down next to him on the bench. She couldn't help but remember the first time they'd sat there on an Autumn evening._

"_Hey. Nice to have you back down here. How's it going?"_

"_Still getting used to being a med student one minute and a nurse the next. I change gears in five minutes."_

"_That would be weird."_

_Just do it Abby. It's not going to get any easier. You know you need to do this. You told Kerry, now tell him. "Luka, can I talk to you about something?"_

"_Yeah, of course."_

"_There's something I need to tell you. Something I should have told you a long time ago, but didn't for a lot of reasons."_

"_Okay." To his dismay, he found himself holding his breath._

"_I'm . . … .I'm an alcoholic. I was sober, had been for five years when we started dating. I should have told you. I meant to . . . .on the second date. . . assuming there was a second date . . .. but it got . . . complicated. And then Maggie showed up. . . .and then . . . . .then it just seemed . . . . too late . . .. … I'm sorry. It was wrong of me not to tell you."_

_That wasn't what he was hoping for. But, he was glad for her. "You're working AA?"_

"_Yeah, how'd you know?"_

"_I .. .. . I looked into it awhile back . . .what it meant . .. . .treatment . . the steps. Abby . . . I knew. Carter told me."  
_

"_What? When? Africa?"_

"_No . . no before you two . … got .together."_

"_Oh." Damn it, Carter._

"_He was worried . .. .. you were drinking . . .and . . . . I . . . . .was . . .letting you."_

"_Letting me?" Abby looked incredulous. "What were you supposed to do?"_

"_I wasn't sure . . . . .that's why I looked into it . . . gave you . . . . space."_

"_Space?"_

"_To figure things out."_

"_Oh. Why didn't you tell me you knew?"_

"_Because I thought if you wanted me to know, wanted me . . .involved. . .you would tell me yourself."_

_Abby nodded, she felt it, an opportunity lost, an opportunity for what? "I'm sorry you found out like that. You were a good friend to me letting me stay with you . . you deserved more."_

"_Don't worry about it. Sometimes the longer you wait . .. .the harder it is to say .. . . .what you need to, and then it's just too late." _

_She stared at him trying to define his expression . . something in his eyes._

_Sam strode out of the Emergency Room "Abby, Haleh says I sign out to you. I got to go get my kid. Are you coming?"_

"_Yeah, be right there." She turned back to Luka. _

"_I should go."  
_

_Luka nodded. "I'm glad you told me."_

"_Thanks for being so . . . .. " wonderful? " . .. …understanding. See you inside?" _

"_Yeah."_

_He watched her walk away._

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She'd never seen so many crosses or so many cemeteries. Everything seemed so old, such a sense of history. It was a beautiful city, and while the air was cold the sun had been shining.

They slid into a booth at a cozy restaurant. They ordered drinks, beer for Javor and Luka and water for Abby, and then studied their menus.

She worked up her courage. "Javor, thank you for the tour today. I really, really enjoyed it."

"My pleasure."

She glanced at Luka, and he nodded. She felt him put his hand on her leg and give her a squeeze for courage. "There's something .. . . I should tell you."

"Yes?"

"About why I don't drink."

His eyes got wide, and he looked at Luka and said something in Croatian. Luka shook his head and answered in Croatian. "No, Tata, she's not pregnant. Just listen to her." He was exceedingly grateful his father had asked in Croatian.

Javor turned his eyes back to Abby. "Sorry."

"I'm . . .I'm an alcoholic."

He looked a little confused, and he again turned to Luka and spoke in Croatian. Luka answered briefly, Javor nodded his head in understanding.

"You don't look like an alcoholic." He pronounced the word carefully.

Abby smiled. "Thank you."

"You're not drinking now?"

"No."

"It doesn't bother you if we drink?"

"No . . . no, it's fine."

"Okay. You see anything on the menu you want for dinner?"

Javor studied his menu, and Abby raised her eyebrows at Luka who shrugged. "Let's eat."


	16. Christmas in Croatia

Christmas in Croatia 

Abby excused herself as soon as they got home pleading exhaustion. Luka and Javor settled in the living area.

Javor studied his son. "You look good. Better than I thought."

"Thanks. It .. it hasn't been easy. But we're getting through it."

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

"You're taking care of each other?"

"Yes."

"That's good . . it's good you're not alone any more. You were alone for too long. Even when you were with someone." Javor was quiet for a moment. "You do know you don't have to pretend . . . .for me."

"Pretend?"

"That you're okay . . if you're not. What happened is terrible. . .I saw you the last time."

"Last time I lost them all. I didn't have Danijela. Now, I have Abby."

Javor nodded. "Still. . .. . .to lose the baby."

Luka looked his father in the eye. "You want the truth?"

"That would be good."

"Sometimes I don't know . . . I worry."

"About?"

"Sometimes I think there's a curtain, and I've pushed part of the grief behind it. Like I can just take out a little at a time and look at that . . . .. and I'm afraid one day, it will just come pouring out . . . . faster than I can deal with it. . .. . "

"If it happens, Luka . . .you have people who can help you . . .Abby . . me and Antun . . .we want to help."

"I'm okay now . . . .I'm doing okay. I'm working through it. It's just a lot." _Tell him. Tell him about the hysterectomy that there will be no more children . . . ..ever. Tell him._

"And Abby?"

"What?"

"How's she doing?"

"It was hard . . is hard for her . .. but she's strong." _She doesn't want to do it again. No more children, Tata. _He knew he should say it. But, he couldn't bring himself to do it, to make it real. The finality was hard.

"And the drink?"

"If she could hold strong through this . . . . ..I think she'll be fine. And, if she's not, we'll deal with it. I need her, Tata."

"Then it's good you have her."

"You did tell Antun, no big parties, a quiet Christmas. This is going to be hard for her."

"I told him."

"Good."

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Abby lay watching him sleep lit by the moonlight coming through the window. After another day in Zagreb, they'd traveled to the coast to Zadar to spend Christmas with Luka's brother and family.

The coastline took Abby's breath away. "Luka . . it's beautiful . . ."

He smiled, hands at the wheel, his father next to him, Abby behind. "It's been a long time .. too long. . .since I've seen it, it is beautiful .. . "

While Javor helped Abby out of the back seat, Luka greeted his brother with a bear hug, then Dusana and his nephew.

"This isn't Toma? He's huge."

"He's fourteen." Antun reminded him.

"He was just a boy."

"Six years ago, Luka." Antun playfully smacked Luka on the back of his head.

Abby walked toward them. "Antun this is Abby. Abby, my brother and this is Dusana and Toma".

"Hello."

"Nice to meet you, Abby." Antun took her hand then gave her a kiss on the cheek.

Dusana hugged her. "Come in you must be exhausted. Toma get their things. Dani's inside, she's 16. We'll have to pry the phone from her ear so you can meet her."

Dusana went off to finish dinner preparations, wouldn't hear of Abby working. She sat and watched Luka talk with his niece and nephew, half in English, half in Croatian. He was so good with them, so at ease, made them comfortable with the uncle they hardly saw. She sighed. He glanced up at her and took her hand drawing her into the conversation.

"Speak to them in English. They have to learn. The practice is good for them. I'm too easy."

Watching him sleep now, she realized she'd spent the day watching him - his joy at seeing his country again, his brother . . . ..the children. The children . . …he was so good with them so easy . . .. it made her heart break. His own would have been even older . .. . hard to imagine Luka with teenagers . . . . even . . a grown woman for a daughter . … .. and theirs .. . .Josef would have been seven months . . . .sitting up. . . rolling over . . .smiling. The tears stung her eyes. She watched him sleep for a long time before her own eyes closed.

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Luka woke before dawn. Unable to get back to sleep, he lay watching her. She'd had a restless night, but now her face was peaceful, her breathing even and steady. One year ago . . .was it possible it had only been a year? Everything had changed in one moment.

"_I'm pregnant."_

He'd been so stunned, he hadn't been able to speak. He just stood there looking at her trying to take it in. A baby. Their baby. It was the right woman, but the wrong timing. Part of him wanted to laugh .. … .the irony of it all. He'd been like a dog chasing his tail for years, and finally he'd stopped thinking about it. He hadn't been able to keep his thoughts _or_ his hands off _her_. .. … .being a family hadn't entered the equation. But here it was, and of course he knew it was what he wanted. Everything he wanted.

"_Luka?"_

_Oh yes, he should say something, do something, but what?_

"_You're . . .you're . . .we're . .. .having a baby?" He stammered and his voice sounded odd, as if he hadn't spoken for weeks instead of moments._

_She looked at him with troubled eyes. "I think that's the question."_

"_Question?"_

"_It's a big decision."_

_Decision? "Of course . . of course . .. ." He pulled her into him and kissed her hair. "I know we didn't . . .. .plan it . . . .but … . sometimes . . sometimes things happen for a reason . … ." _

And sometimes there's no reason for what happens, like when your baby dies. He looked over at her. He wished her eyes would open, he wanted to run his hands over her, be sure she was real. He wanted to taste her and feel himself inside of her. But, he couldn't bring himself to wake her, to bring her into the bittersweet memories that would hang over them both like a fog today. Maybe she was having sweet dreams. When he heard the noises of the house waking, he dressed silently and left the room.

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"Joe!" Abby sat up, looked around, confused for a moment, then she

remembered where she was, when it was. Oh god, Christmas Eve. She pulled the covers up and shrank into the bed. After a time, she heard voices in the hall.

There was Luka. "Good morning, Danijela. How'd you sleep? No, in English."

_Danijela? Of course Dani .. .Danijela . .. .. how strange to hear him say it . …..her name . …. .. Was he thinking of her? Remembering? Of course he was. Especially here . . .Danijela . . . .Dani .. … . . " _

The door opened and Luka came in bearing a tray with coffee and sweet rolls. He moved slowly and quietly not wanting to wake her if she was still asleep.

She turned towards him.

"You didn't sleep well." He said looking at her, taking in the dark circles, the sadness.

"No."

"Abby . . . . ."

"Just hold me, okay . . .just be here."

He got into the bed and took her in his arms, stroking her hair.

She looked up at him "Make me forget . . . . ..Luka . . .make me forget for just a little while."

"Abby . . ."

"Please . . .. .."

His mouth found hers, his need matching her own. They helped each other undress, touching and tasting as they went. Then she was astride him, and they sat locked together attempting to move as noiselessly as possible. She pressed her forehead into his trying to stop herself from groaning. When she pulled back to look at him, he was watching her with eyes as black as coal. She whispered, "Say my name. … please.. .say it. .. "

He leaned forward kissing her neck and whispering in her ear, "Abby . . oh Abby."

She felt as if she would shatter, break apart into a thousand fragments of light. Then she felt his arms like bands around her holding her together, keeping her in one piece. She buried her face in his neck. His body shuddered, and he bit his lip to hold back his own moan burying his face in her hair. Her arms coiled around his neck as if she couldn't get close enough. He brought his hands to her shoulders wondering again at the perfection of her body. . . the smell .. the taste . . the fit. It gave new meaning to the phrase made for each other.

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Later, they walked along the beach holding hands.

"Do you ever dream about him?"

"Yes. Did you have a dream last night?"

"I lost him. I got home, and I couldn't find him. I'd left him somewhere. It was awful."

"I'm sorry."

"Sometimes they can be good, the dreams … .holding him . . rocking him."

"The good ones can be nice to have. The ones where you find out it was a mistake."

"Yeah . . I guess they can be. Then it's the waking up that's hard." She looked at him carefully. "I feel bad . . . . .stealing you from your family."

"It's okay, Abby. They understand. Besides it's best to stay out of Dusana's way when she's cooking. And, I had time with them this morning."

"I never imagined it would be so beautiful here, or all the Churches. You have a lot of Churches here."

"Yeah. Um, everyone's going to Midnight Mass after dinner and presents. I told them we wouldn't be going."

"You go, Luka. Really you should if you want. I'll probably crash early tonight. I just can't. If God exists, I'm not talking to him right now."

"No, I think we should be together tonight. My family . . . . and God . . .will understand."

She smiled at him. The wind was cool and crisp, and she pulled her coat around her tighter.

He dropped her hand to wrap an arm around her. "Cold?"

"A little. Let's go back, and you can make all of us that hot chocolate you promised me."

"Deal."

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After dinner, Antun built a fire and gifts were exchanged. Abby was grateful to Luka for all the shopping he had done. It was all so exceedingly normal compared to the craziness of her own childhood. No wonder he wanted to be here.

Dusana and Abby worked in the kitchen cleaning up.

"I'm so glad you both came. It's been too long since we've seen Luka."

"I'm glad we did too." He needed to be here, and she needed to be where he was. It was hard, but it would be hard anywhere.

"We've been hoping . .. .he would. He wasn't so good last time he came home. We didn't know what to expect. But, he's doing well?"

"It hasn't been easy. But, yes I think he's getting through it. Sometimes I don't know how, but he is."

"It's obvious you mean a great deal to him"

Abby blushed and said nothing so Dusana went on. "I'm so sorry about what happened. We all are."

"Thank you." This was the part Abby hated. She knew people meant well, but . .. …

"There are a lot of people here who would love to see him. Who miss him, care about him."

"We saw Javor's sisters in Zagreb. Maybe next time we'll have a chance to visit more."

"It might be good for Luka to be around all the people who love and support him."

Antun stuck his head in, "Abby, you'd better get out here. Luka needs you. He really smells at this game. No one wants to be his partner."

"I think you mean he stinks."

"Yeah he does that too."

Luka's voice came from the other room. "I heard that."

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When everyone else left for Church, Luka asked Abby if she was ready for her gift.

"Now?"

"It's tradition. Me first."

He gave her a small box.

"Not spark plugs again."

"How'd you know?"

She opened it and gasped. "Luka . . ."

An emerald suspended in a gold heart on a long gold chain lay in the small black box.

"It's his birth stone."

"Oh . . .. . .Luka. Put it on for me."

"I hope . ..I hope it doesn't make it . … … worse."

"No, it's perfect. I love it. Thank you. It's a hard act to follow." She handed him a small box.

He unwrapped it and held the gold trinket in his hand. He opened the cover and smiled. It was a beautiful, antique pocket watch with his initials engraved on the front.

"You said all we needed was time. So, I thought . . . I'd give you some."

For the second year in a row, she'd left him speechless.


	17. Chasing Cars

A/N: Sorry that it's taken me so long to get an update posted. Real life will get in the way. It's a long one though so maybe it will make up for the delay. The title comes from the Snow Patrol song of the same name. As always, my sincere thanks to those who take the time to review and keep me plugging along. 

Some adult language in this one.

Chasing Cars 

The voices in the hall woke her. She was slow to open her eyes. Didn't Croatians believe in sleeping in? One did obviously. His chest was more than a satisfactory alternative to a pillow, and she could feel his arm heavy on her back. More voices. It occurred to her that it was rather odd to be lying naked in bed with so much activity just outside the door. She sighed. Last night. That had been . . …nice . .. . .very nice. For the first time since they'd been here, they'd had a house to themselves .. .mmmmm . She moved her hand slightly on his chest, and he sighed in his sleep. She could think of a really delicious way to wake him up. No, mustn't do that. After all his family was outside the door. Of course, that hadn't stopped her yesterday . . . .but that was different . . . that was . . . . .therapeutic. She smiled to herself. Nice therapy if you could get it. But they couldn't risk it again. After all this wasn't "Naughty Houseguests".

Christmas day. After today, only two more days to get through then home. Home. They did have a home to go back to and work and each other. Maybe it was enough, maybe it would be more than enough.

More voices. Luka's family. So far so good. Dusana was a bit too . . . . .wifely … .or something. But nice enough. Antun . … .funny . .. . .definite big brother …. ..with a habit of checking out her ass when Luka wasn't looking. Men. Such strange creatures. Always have to one up each other or something.

Should they tell them? There never seemed to be a good time. Maybe she should just wear a scarlet "A" on her breast – for alcoholic of course. Or maybe she _was_ an adulteress? No. She and Richard hadn't married in the Church- so it didn't count. Or did it? She couldn't remember the rules, but she thought they were merely fornicating. So maybe she needed an "F" on there too and a "D" for divorced. Too crowded.

She fingered her necklace. The voices had moved off. Maybe she _should _… . .no.. . . still . …. . . wait. His breathing was different. She looked up at him. His eyes were blue-green like the ocean. How did they change like that?

"Hey" she murmured.

She was smiling. He couldn't imagine waking up to anything better or more beautiful. "Morning. You awake long?"

"Not too."

His hand moved on her back and his other reached to stroke her hair. She pressed into him, and his hands moved down.

"Luka!"

"What?"

"Your family is awake."

"Didn't bother you yesterday."

"Well . . . that was different . . . .that was . . .necessary."

"Necessary?"

"Yeah."

He shifted so her back was on the bed, and he was looking down on her.

"Well so is this" he said picking up and dropping a pillow on her giggling face. "I won't make noise if you don't." He disappeared beneath the covers.

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After breakfast, Dusana shooed them out for their walk. When they returned, the house was a beehive of activity, food preparation, cleaning, furniture moving.

Abby looked at him. "What's going on?" She had a sinking feeling.

"I don't know, but I'll find out." He grabbed Antun's arm and started speaking in Croatian. He didn't look happy. Neither did Antun.

He came back over. "Family party. I'm sorry I didn't know. I told them not to. Dusana thought it would be a good idea. I thought they understood."

Abby closed her eyes. Just when she was beginning to feel her feet under her again. Maybe it would be small.

"How . . . much . . . family?"

He cringed. " A lot, from all over."

"When?"

"Now" he said looking over her shoulder at the door while the first guests came in.

Abby's stomach clenched. She was in jeans and a turtleneck, hair wind blown, very little in the way of make-up. Great . . . . fucking great. She opened her eyes to look at him, but he was gone, engulfed in the arms of some very large women. He brought them over to her and said something in Croatian. Then introduced them in English to her.

Abby put out her hand and forced a smile. Luka looked at her apologetically. This was going to be a very long day.

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Finally, she escaped out the back door. Luckily it wasn't too cold, unseasonably warm in fact. Luka had tried to be attentive, but eventually they were separated, and he was swallowed up in an abyss of aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. Everyone had been nice enough, sometimes too nice. The sympathy was like a weight. On the other hand, she'd felt sized up more than once as well. She was pretty sure she hadn't always come out on the upside of the equation. Shit. Just what she needed. What she needed . . …was a drink . .it was flowing liberally enough just a few feet away. Great Abby. Get shit faced. That would go over well.

The door opened, and she turned hopeful that it was him.

"Hello," said the tall, dark haired, rather handsome man that stepped outside. However, he was not quite as tall, not quite as dark and not quite as handsome as Luka.

"Hello"

"You're Abby."

"Yes, that would be me."

"Emil, Luka's cousin." He extended his hand, and she shook it. He had a firm grip.

"Nice to meet you," she said reflexively.

"Liar. I've been watching you. You looked for the most part absolutely miserable. I've been trying to figure out if it's my cousin or the party. Smoke?" He extended a pack.

She looked at him carefully. Smooth. Maybe _too_ smooth. But hell yes to the smoke. "Sure. Thanks."

"So?" He extended a light.

She lit her cigarette and took a drag. "So?"

"Which is it?"

She laughed. "I don't think I'd be here if it were the first."

"Maybe not . . .but people make mistakes."

"What are you doing out here? Aren't you enjoying the party?" Time to switch the focus.

"I never enjoy family parties. I'm sort of the black sheep."

"Oh yes? They have those here?"

"Don't let your golden boy fool you."

"My . . golden boy? I didn't realize that was a Croatian expression."

"No . .no .. . .I went to business school in the States. Managed to learn quite a bit. Not quite so noble as medicine . . . but . . . . what can we black sheep do? There's always money to be made after a war. You're a doctor I hear?"

"Yes. I'm doing my residency."

"In?'

"Emergency medicine."

"That's right, just like Luka. Romance in the workplace – dangerous business. Of course I heard about . …the . .. accident. I _am_ sorry for your loss." He sounded sincere.

"Thank you."

Then under his breath, "Luka has an unfortunate propensity for tragedy."

Did she hear him right? She took another drag. "Why are you here?" 

"You mean with you or at this party or in Croatia in general or perhaps do you mean in the ultimate sense?"

Asshole. "I mean why are you at a party for Luka if you don't like him."

"Did I say I didn't like him?"

"Pretty much."

"I wanted to meet _you_. Curious about the first woman he's brought home in sixteen years. I admired his wife. Pity how she died. I never could believe . … or forgive what he did. "

"What he did?"

"Killed her in the end."

Was he serious? "I didn't realize Luka bombed Vukovar."

"She wanted to leave. He wanted to stay. They stayed."

"She _chose_ to stay."

"Because of _him_."

This felt vaguely familiar. "You sort of remind me of someone I used to know. So you don't like him because she chose him? Maybe more than once?"

He smiled. "Good for you, Abby. No wonder you worked your way up from lowly nurse to noble physician. Excuse me, I'll be right back."

She took another drag. Honestly this was getting old. Maybe she should just be gone when he got back. Where though? Back inside to the throngs of family and long lost friends? Or maybe she should just leave and go for a long walk? But then if Luka noticed she was missing, he'd worry and it might ruin it for him. . . .. … .

She hesitated too long and Emil returned with a bottle of wine and two glasses. Even better.

"I've been uncouth. Forgive me. Wine?" He poured two glasses while he talked and handed one to her when he was done.

She wanted to drink it. She really, really wanted it. Damn it. She held it in her hand. It would be so easy. One wouldn't matter. No one would notice. It's not like she'd get drunk. She'd just have the one to relax. Surely she deserved one glass of wine. She closed her eyes. Then she opened them and poured it out over the porch railing. _Today I will not drink_.

"No thanks." She said and put the empty glass down.

His eyebrows were raised. He had been watching her. "Too bad you dumped it, that was the good stuff. I brought it myself. How long?"

"What?"

He downed half his own glass. "Since you've had a drink."

"None of your business."

"No, it wouldn't be. Still it's fascinating to get to know people. I mean really know them of course. Since you gave up a secret. I'll tell you one too."

"I don't think I want to know."

"Sure you do. Don't be deceived by the noble Kovac exterior. In that very room, even as we speak, are two women. One Antun had an affair with last year. And one our dear golden boy boffed and left ever so disappointed, oh several years ago now."

"And . . I'd believe you because? "

"I never lie. Whatever my faults are and there are many . . ." He poured himself another glass. "lying is not one of them." He held out the pack again.

She did want another. One for the road. "Why would I care about something that happened a long time ago?" He held out the lighter, and she leaned in.

"Why would you? Because six years ago when he came home, he was dating a nurse, although, sadly he did not seem terribly happy. So, I'm wondering if six years ago . . . . _you_ weren't a nurse Abby? Not that there aren't a great many nurses in Chicago that he might have run through. But this nurse had been a med student. See the connection?"

_Fucker. _

_He wouldn't have. Would he?_ It had been . . complicated, but she assumed they'd been monogamous. Emil was just jerking her chain. "Well . . it's been fun, but I think I'd better get back."

"To the party you hate? Don't go, Abby, really. _We_ could have fun. After all Luka has sort of screwed you today with this grand reunion you aren't really a part of, not being anything more than the American . .. ..paramour. Turn around is fair play. I don't see a ring. So where's the harm?"

She wanted to slap him, but more than that she wanted to be away from him. She turned to go.

He caught her arm. "Abby, he's a walking tragedy. . . . .don't make the same mistake Danijela did . . .."

_What was Danijela's mistake? Loving him enough to stay when the shit hit the fan?_ She looked the bastard in the eye. "Too late." She pulled her arm from his grasp and walked back into the house. And she thought her half of the gene pool was psycho.

Her eyes searched the room. There he was. Talking to a beautiful, skinny, blonde who was looking up at him like he was Christmas dinner. Better still. She bee lined to their room.

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Since they'd been separated, Luka found himself passed from person to person, a cousin, an uncle or aunt or someone he hadn't seen since college or med school. He'd tried to keep an eye on her. But it was hard to move quickly. He'd start across the room towards her and find his arm grabbed. He couldn't be rude. People had made an effort to see him. Then he looked and couldn't find her. He thought he should check their room, but he didn't make it far.

"Luka!"

She gave him a rather too long hug pressing lips into his cheek and whispering, "I'm so sorry."

_Shit._ "Hello Tatiana"

It wasn't long after that he had felt her gaze and glanced up to find her. He hoped she'd give him an opportunity to get away from an increasingly awkward encounter. But he was seconds too late, and he only caught a glimpse of her back as she left the room

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She sat smoking, looking out the open window of their room. She heard the door open behind her, but didn't turn to look. If it was Emil, she'd wait till he was close enough to push him out the window. If it was Luka, she'd wait till _he_ was close enough to push him out the window.

"Abby?"

Luka then. She said nothing just took another long drag off the cigarette.

He approached and sat on the bed.

"Are you okay?"

She turned to look at him. "Fine. It's not like it's the worst Christmas I've ever had."

"No? What was?"

"That award would have to go to the year my mother started the day getting blasted on Bloody Mary's at a bar and brought some jerk home. After she passed out, I had to push my dresser in front of my door to keep him out. I think I was thirteen." _This runs a close second though. No, that would be a bitchy thing to say. He doesn't deserve it. At least, I don't think he does._

He was sorry he'd asked. Inwardly he winced for the little girl she'd been, the little girl who had to grow up too damn fast. He didn't know what to say.

"I can't do it, Luka. Can you just say I have a headache?"

He took the cigarette from her and took a drag, studied it briefly, then handed it back. "I think I have a better idea."

He got up and left. She could hear him talking down the hall to Toma and Dani in Croatian.

He came back a few minutes later with heavy coats and a set of keys in his hand.

"Let's go." He stood and took her hand to pull her up.

"Where?"

He gestured to the window. "Out there."

"Through the window?"

"Do you think if I walk out there to leave, we'll ever get out of here?"

She shook her head.

He straddled the sill and lowered himself down.

"You look like you've done that before. I thought you were a good boy."

"I was a virgin, Abby. Not a saint." He winked, and she smiled despite herself. He put up his arms and helped her down.

"So, why the coats? It's not that cold."

"It will be."

He led her to the garage and there was Antun's motorcycle. Smiling he walked over to it and held up the keys triumphantly.

"You're kidding?"

"Nope, Toma and Dani are very able accomplices." He plucked a sleeping bag off the shelf and strapped it to the back. He put on his coat and helmet and handed one to her. Then he straddled the bike and fired up the engine.

"Coming?"

"You're sure you know what you're doing?"

"Some things you never forget."

She smiled and threw on the coat and helmet and hopped on behind him. "Nice steed." She shouted over the roar of the engine.

"What?"

"Never mind."

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They drove for what she thought must have been at least an hour along the coast. The views were spectacular, and if felt good to just sit there and hold onto him and watch the world go by.

He hadn't wanted a party. Although he had to admit, it was good to see everyone again. But in the end, the person that meant more to him than anything or anyone had her arms wrapped tight around him. She'd been let down enough in her life. If he could avoid doing it, he damn well would.

They stopped and wandered through a town. Nothing was open, but it didn't matter.

"Are you . . . okay?" he asked tentatively.

"Yeah . .. . .I'm . ..okay." There was a pause. "I met your cousin, Emil."

Luka frowned. "He can be a . …. .. "

"Narcissistic sociopath?"

"Did he say something to you?"

"Quite a bit actually."

Luka's jaw clenched. "What?"

"Among other things, he . .. . .he implied . . that you slept with someone who was at the party today when you came home six years ago."

Luka nodded slowly and dropped his eyes. "And you believed him?" He looked at her now.

She looked into his eyes and felt a good deal hinged on her answer. She thought for a moment. It almost surprised her, how sure she was. "No, I don't believe him. I know things were hard. But I don't think you slept with someone else, even then."

"I wasn't with anyone but you when we were together."

"I wasn't either."

"With anyone else? I know that."

"Well . . there were some . . ..stupid rumors . . I think."

He nodded.

"You heard them?"

He nodded.

"But you didn't believe them?"

"No."

She smiled and took his hand. "Let's walk."

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When the sun started to go down, Luka suggested they get closer to home before dark. So, they rode back to Zadar. He found a protected cove and unzipped and spread out the sleeping bag. They lay together watching the stars come out and the moon rise.

"I'm sorry."

"For?'

"Making you miss your party."

"Don't be."

"They're going to hate me."

"No. Besides it was my idea to leave."

"Why did you?"

"We had a deal."

She thought for a moment. "Luka?"

"Yes."

"Why do you still want to get married?"

"Because . …. .it's what's true, those vows would be true for us . .. …and we should say them."

"Make it official?"

"Yes, but for ourselves, not for anyone else."

She rolled over on her stomach and studied his face. "Are you . . . .are you thinking of her?"

He brushed a wayward strand of hair behind her ear. "Who?"

"Danijela."

"You mean right now?"

"No, I meant more in general . . .. being here. . . . .saying her name . . ."

"Oh. Does it bother you?"

"It's weird to hear you say it."

He nodded. "It's been sixteen years."

"I know."

"I've had a lot of things on my mind."

"I know . . .but .. ."

"Well, I guess sometimes."

"When?"

"Like when Dusana cooked the fish last night."

"With the head?" Abby wrinkled her nose. She could never get used to eating something that was looking right at you.

"Yeah, with the head. Danijela always cooked fish at Christmas. Or seeing some friends today that knew her. It reminded me of things that had happened, that we'd done together. Or you hating Emil . . . . .she always tried to avoid him."

Smart girl. She looked at him for a minute, then she leaned in and kissed him hard.

Time was wasting. He grabbed the corner of their makeshift blanket. Putting his other hand on her back, he rolled them till he was on top, and they were covered. "We're where we should be, Abby. Where I want to be."

"I want it too."

"Then nothing else matters." _No ghosts, Abby_. _No ghosts_.


	18. Facing the Music

Facing the Music 

By the time they returned, the house was dark except for the porch light.

"Do you think they locked us out?" Abby asked, only half joking.

Once they stepped inside, a light could be seen in the back room of the house. Someone was waiting up for them.

"You go ahead to bed. You're cold." he said taking her hands and rubbing them between his own. "And you must be tired."

"I can go with you . . . if you want. … .explain."

"No . . no I'll do it."

She looked at him for another minute and headed toward their room.

Luka found Javor asleep in Antun's reclining chair. It had been a long time since he'd had to sit up and wait for his son to get home.

Luka touched his knee gently. "Tata . .. Tata. We're home."

Javor started, and then relaxed back when he saw Luka.

"You're back. You're alright then."

"Yes. We're okay. Toma gave you my note?"

"Yes."

"I didn't want you to worry. It was just . .. it was too much Tata. . .too soon. .. .too hard."

"For you or for her?"

"It doesn't matter .. .. .it's the same."

"It is like that." Javor's voice was wistful, lost in his own memories for a moment. Then he asked, "Is she okay?"

"I think so. It's not easy for her. It would have been his first Christmas."

"It's not easy for you either."

"No." _Tell him_. "Tata, there's something I haven't told you. Something that makes it …. .harder .. .for both of us . .. There was a . .. complication when Josef was born . … Abby . … almost .. .she almost bled to death. They had to do a hysterectomy. We can't have any more children."

Javor took this in and studied his son. "Luka . .. . I'm sorry. I know ….. I know what … .it means . . to you …" His voice was tight. He spoke almost gingerly . . treading carefully . .. aware he was in dangerous territory. "And you're sure. .. .you're sure. " Javor stumbled but said it anyway "…. . .you aren't married .. .. . "

"Yes, I am."

Javor nodded and took it in. This was it then. Luka had made a choice.

"Alright. It's good you take care of each other then."

"I'm sorry about the party. It was my idea to leave."

"Some disappointed people, Luka. Many disappointed people. Antun understands, but Dusana . . . she's not happy."

"We told you . .. .no parties . .. . .. " 

"I know, and I told them. Dusana, she gets these ideas. She thought it would be good for you."

"I know she meant well . . .but ….. I'll apologize to her tomorrow and I'll call everyone that was here. I'll make it right."

Javor nodded. "Okay. Then you need your sleep. You'll have lots of talking to do tomorrow. I'll talk to Dusana first. Smooth things a bit."

"Thanks Tata."

"She's very lucky."

"Dusana?"

"No, Abby."

"So am I"

Javor hoped he was right.

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He expected her to be asleep. Instead, he found her sitting on the bed in her pajamas, hands on her ankles rocking nervously.

"How was it?"

"Fine. It was Tata. He understood." _Or he does now_.

He was tired. He pulled off his jeans and turtleneck and crawled in under the covers. "Come here."

She lay down next to him and let him take her in his arms. "Luka .. . . I think we need to tell Antun and Dusana tomorrow …. that I'm . .. . an alcoholic . … otherwise they might hear it somewhere else."

"Tata won't say anything, he knows to wait."

"No . .not him . . . Emil . . "

"You told Emil?" Luka was shocked.

"Of course not. It's complicated. He sort of guessed .. . I think. He offered me wine. I almost drank it, but I didn't, and I ended up pouring it out. I think my . . .struggle . . was a little too obvious. And, I think he may be familiar with it. ..the way he was downing his own . . ….."

"I'm sorry it was such a crappy day, Abby."

"It's okay . . . .it got better … . in the end."

He smiled. "We'll deal with it. In the morning, we'll deal with it all. It will be fine."

"I think it is morning."

"All the more reason to sleep."

"At least it's over."

"What?"

"Christmas."

"We did the right thing . ….today . . . being together . . it was right."

She looked up at him. "It was. It was right."

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They gingerly walked into the kitchen to find Dusana, Antun and Javor at the table with coffee lingering over breakfast.

Luka ventured first. "Good morning."

Antun smiled at them. "She's a good ride isn't she?"

"What?" Abby asked.

"The bike . .. pretty nice . . . " Antun finished. Dusana shot him a look.

Abby smiled at Antun. "It was great. Thanks." They sat down.

Luka asked. "Where are Toma and Dani?"

Dusana answered this time. "They are washing the cars. If they want to hand out keys, they have to take care of the cars."

"Don't be hard on them. It was my idea."

"Javor explained. I . . . ..was .. .wrong to push for the party. I know that now. I just . . . .I just thought it would . .. help. I'm sorry" Dusana said.

"It's a tough time." Luka sighed.

"It's complicated" Abby began. Best to just get it over with. "There's something I need to tell you. It's not that it's ……a current .. problem . . .really. But .. . .. I.. .I'm .. an alcoholic. When things are tough, parties aren't . . .. . they aren't really easy for me. Luka was . . . .he wanted to be there for me . . . ."

"I didn't realize . … " Dusana started.

Luka broke in. "It doesn't matter now . .. .I did get to see a lot of people. And, I'm going to start making phone calls after breakfast. It's okay. It's not the end of the world." _No one died, no one even got drunk_.

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As they got ready to leave, Dusana pulled Abby aside.

"I am sorry."

"I'm sorry too. It was a very nice party. And a very nice thing to want to do for Luka."

"It was good to meet you, Abby. It really was. Take care of him. We love him."

"I know. I will."

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Abby and Luka returned to Zagreb with Javor that afternoon. Luka's ear was sore from all the talking. The following morning he still had four calls left, and they'd promised to have lunch with his cousin Josip who had driven four hours only to miss them entirely.

"While he finishes, let's take a walk" Javor suggested to Abby.

"Great."

They strolled through the neighborhood, and Javor told her stories of the people that lived there and of Luka and Antun as boys.

As they started to head back, he changed the direction of the conversation.

"Abby, you'll forgive me for what I am about to say. A father worries."

She looked at him and nodded.

"I see .. .I see that you love Luka. I know he loves you."

She nodded again.

"It's . . just … I don't want to see him . ….. ."

"What?"

"He feels strong a promise to you . … .and if you . . .. .if you don't feel the same . …. .if you can't make a strong promise to him . …. . . . .. ..Be careful for him, Abby."

She stopped and looked at him.

"I won't hurt him."

"I think if you don't feel the same . … .. . .it can't be . . .stopped."

"I won't hurt him."

Javor nodded.

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The rest of the visit was subdued. Early the next morning, Javor brought them to the airport. He hugged Abby first, then Luka.

"Be good to each other."

Abby sat looking out the window of the plane. Everything was miniature. Luka was fidgeting, trying to get comfortable. She couldn't stop thinking about what Javor had said. Would she hurt him? Could she be what he needed in the end? She'd known for a long time what he needed, wanted. Something that would last . . . . a family. She couldn't give him a child. She'd tried and failed. But she could give him herself. If that was really enough. If that was really what he wanted. What if it was? What did she want?

Him.

She wanted him.

As her friend, her lover . . .. and her husband. For better or for worse.

Her palms were sweaty and her heart was beating fast.

She looked over. His eyes were already closed.

She took a deep breath.

"Luka . . ."

"Hmmmm?" When she didn't answer, he opened his eyes.

"Will you marry me?"


	19. With this Ring

A/N: You asked for a quick update, so here it is. I had really hoped to finish this prior to the start of the series. But, it wasn't to be. So, I guess I'll keep plugging along and if the muse strikes me get Dream Lover going again as well. If that happens, the updates will be slower.

With this Ring

"Will you marry me?"

_Say something. Say something wonderful that she'll always remember_. He never was good with words. He reached out and put his hand on her cheek.

_Oh god, what if he's changed his mind. Maybe he only proposed because he knew I'd say no. Oh god. Say something_.

In the end, he couldn't think of anything but, "Yes."

Her face lit up, and he pulled her in for a kiss that made her regret that she had proposed on an airplane full of people. Luka put his arm around her, and she snuggled into him. He took her hand and toyed with her fingers.

"I'm sorry." She said.

"For what?"

"I think I finally know how you felt when I turned you down."

"You didn't think I'd say 'no' did you?"

"The thought crossed my mind. Sometimes when you get something you thought you wanted, you realize you don't really want it."

"Sometimes . .. .maybe. Hey, do you want a ring? We can go shopping when we get home, you can pick out something you like . .."

"You mean an engagement ring?"

"Yeah . … a diamond if you want . . or something different."

"I don't know, I hadn't thought about it."

"I guess we have some things to think about."

"You mean the details."

"Yeah the details . …."

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A week later, they sat at the table having their morning coffee.

Luka broached the topic. "So, have you given it any more thought?'

"What?'

"The wedding."

"Small."

"Okay."

"Very small."

"You want to have Maggie come?"

Abby thought for a minute. "No, no too complicated. I don't want our wedding to become about Maggie,"

"Eric?"

"If I don't have Maggie, I can't have Eric. Your family?"

"Without your family?"

"Maybe just us."

"Just us sounds good."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Where?"

"Not a Church."

"Okay."

"City Hall?"

"I don't know . . . kind of …. . . .like doing paperwork . . ."

"Hmmmm"

"What . .. . .what if we got the hospital chaplain .. . .who Baptized Joe. Maybe in the chapel?"

"The hospital chapel?"

"We met there. The hospital I mean."

"We said good-bye to our son there."

"So maybe we bring it full circle?"

"It would sort of be like including him . . . .. . . . . I guess . . . . that could work"

"You and me and the chaplain."

"I think we need a witness."

"Okay, who do you want to ask? Neela?"

"I don't know. Might be kind of hard for her still. . .. . .. ."

"Kerry?"

"I'd feel weird asking Kerry and not Neela. What about Ray or Greg?"

"I like them, but it would feel strange to have someone besides Antun stand up with me . . . ."

"I don't want a stranger."

"I think I have an idea."

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Catherine Baker sat back and studied Abby. She looked good, the tension seemed to have eased from her shoulders. She had some color in her cheeks and a light in her eyes.

"How have you been, Abby? It's been a while."

"I know. We were gone, and then it was kind of crazy to catch up with things."

"How was Croatia?"

"It was . . . . an experience. I told his father and brother about my alcoholism."

"How was that for you?"

"Hard, but good to do it and know it's done."

Oddly, Abby felt nervous about telling her. She realized she wanted her approval. "We . .. we also . . . we got engaged."

Dr. Baker smiled. "Do you want to talk about that?"

"I think it was really the time in Croatia with him that made me realize. I mean it wasn't even a decision. It was just . .. .. I realized . .. ."

"What?'

"He's my husband."

"I'm happy for you, Abby. I'm happy for both of you."

"Good. Because we have a favor to ask you."

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Luka caught Abby on her way out. "Hey, I'm off in an hour. You want to wait or meet me at home?"

"I'm .. …I'm just going to go by and pick up a few things. I'm spending the night at Neela's."

"Why?"

"It's bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding."

"You're kidding me."

"No, I'm not. Besides Neela's out of town, and she asked me to take care of things. So I should go do that before this weekend."

"You don't have to spend the night to do that."

"No, but it will give you something to look forward to on our wedding night."

He reached out and grabbed her hand. "Yeah . . but it's our last chance before we're married . … .. ."

"We had last night …. ."

"Yeah but . .. ."

She was tempted, but resolved. "No. See you in the morning. I'll meet you at the Chapel. And whatever you do, don't tell anyone."

Abby leaned up and gave him a quick kiss, and she was off.

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Luka was asleep when the phone rang. It took three rings before his hand found the receiver.

"Hello."

"Where have you been? I called three times."

"Having my last lap dance."

"Shut up."

"I went to Ike's with Greg and Ray. Don't worry, I didn't tell them. It was a secret bachelor party. Are you okay?"

"Yeah . . .. I just . .. . I miss you."

"Do you want me to come over there?" He looked at the clock, 1:00 am.

"No . .. I just wanted . … .to hear your voice."

"You don't have wet feet do you?"

She laughed. "Cold feet and no. Did you have fun tonight?"

"Not a bit."

"Liar."

"I missed you."

"See you in the morning."

"Don't be late."


	20. I Thee Wed

A/N: As always my thanks for the encouragement and support you've given this story. In honor of the start of the new season – a luby wedding. Hope you enjoy.

"I Thee Wed"

A cab, she'd take a cab. They wouldn't take two cars to the honeymoon. Honeymoon. She was getting married today. She was marrying him today. She wished Neela were here. It sort of sucked to be doing this alone. Her hair. Her hair refused to cooperate. Why weren't there mobile hair salons for these kinds of situations? The cream colored suit with the long skirt hung over the door. Her wedding dress. Well, more like outfit. And crazy high heels in winter in Chicago. What the fuck. She gave up on her hair and started on her make-up. Then she had an idea. Sandy. One flight up, a hair dresser. Maybe.. …… she'd be around on a Saturday morning. Maybe she'd remember all those parties she had when Abby didn't complain . . . . maybe just maybe . . .she'd get lucky. Ha! Who was she kidding? She was lucky. She was marrying Luka. . . in two hours. Two hours. She was out the door and up the stairs in her robe.

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Luka was pacing back and forth, back and forth. He'd come in the main entrance, hoping to avoid being seen. He wasn't dressed for work. He had on a charcoal grey suit, blue shirt and dark, thin tie. He'd worn a suit for his first wedding as well. Not as nice, but not much different. Although, that had been completely different. Family everywhere. Must have been at least a hundred people. Danijela . . .so beautiful in her mother's wedding dress . . .. .He'd been so nervous, for so many reasons. The wedding was nothing compared to the wedding night. This morning the reverse was true. It was the wedding he worried about. What if she got nervous, didn't show. . .. .. Or what if using the chapel was a bad idea . . too many memories. . . . .

"Dr. Kovac?"

"Revered Fisher, thank you for coming." They shook hands.

"Is the bride inside?"

"No, no just waiting here for her."

"Okay, I'll go get ready." That was one very nervous groom.

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She looked at herself in the mirror one last time, put on her lipstick, and smiled. If nothing else, she felt . . .. . radiant. A radiant bride. Yup that was her. The last time she got married, she'd had the big poofy white dress, the Church full of people, the fancy reception thanks to Richard's parents, and what had it meant in the end? Nothing. Not a thing. She looked at her watch. Where was that cab? Then her buzzer rang. Time to go. Oh my god.

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Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

"Luka?"

It was Dr. Baker. "Thank you so much for coming. We didn't mean to impose."

"I'm so honored you asked me. Everything okay?"

"Just waiting for Abby."

"She'll be here. Brides are always late."

He nodded.

"I'll wait for you inside."

Maybe it was a good idea to have a therapist at the wedding.

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Traffic. How could there be traffic on a Saturday morning? Ridiculous. Just her luck. She was going to be late. Luka would be worried. What if he thought, she'd changed her mind. No, he wouldn't. Would he? Not after everything . …. . god, they'd been through so much to get here . .. . . . .

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Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

Then he saw her.

Her hair was pulled back in a chignon, she wore a long, cream colored, silky, flared skirt with a short jacket and camisole peeking out. Her earrings sparkled and the light caught her necklace, the necklace he'd given her. But more than that, more than any of that was the light in her eyes and the smile on her face when she saw him. It took his breath away.

Like a wave washing over him, he was overwhelmed by the feeling that everything in his life, everything that had come before, all of it was leading up to this one moment. This woman. This day. He swallowed hard.

She walked up to him and looked him in the eyes. His mouth was dry and his tongue felt like lead. He still didn't know what to say. So instead, he just grinned at her like a kid on Christmas morning. He held out the box in his hands. She opened it. A bouquet. He'd brought her a bouquet, baby red roses.

"It's beautiful."

"You look ….. amazing."

"So do you." No comment, no look that said, "Abby can't you ever be on time? I told you to be on time." Just a smile. Actually a grin, a big toothy grin. Damn let's do this thing. "Ready?"

He nodded his head and put out his arm, and they walked into the chapel.

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Revered Fisher spoke a few words of greeting, and then they began.

"Do you Luka, take this woman, Abby. . .. . . .. .. "

He'd answered this question a life time ago, a different woman, a different time, a different place. He'd meant it then. He meant it now. But this was different. He had no idea what it meant to take someone "for worse" the first time, now he knew. He couldn't imagine anything "worse" then what they'd already faced, but if it came, he'd take her through that too. For a long time, he'd thought if Danijela had lived, they would have gone on . . together. Now he wasn't sure. Wasn't sure if she could have forgiven him. Wasn't sure if he could have looked at her without feeling the guilt. But he was sure of Abby. He was very sure of Abby . . .for better, for worse .. .. .till death.

"I do."

"Do you Abby take this man, Luka . . . .. "

She'd made the vows before. She'd had no clue what they meant. No clue how bad it could get. How much you could tear each other apart. Bring each other down. The worst was a very hard thing to love someone through. But they'd done it. Maybe they'd even done it more than once. If they had to, they'd do it again. But maybe . . just maybe. .. there was the 'for better' part to look forward to. Till death. It was a huge promise to make. She'd never been sure it was possible. It had always seemed like such a long time to be with someone. But today, it didn't feel like enough. She'd spent most of her life seeing herself through someone else's eyes, and not always liking the person she'd seen reflected back. It had only been the last couple of years that she'd felt free to be who she was without the crutch of someone telling her . . .validating her . . .or judging her. When she looked into his eyes, she felt seen . . .really seen for the first time, seen, honored, cherished. No, a life time wasn't enough.

"I do."

"Do you have the rings?'

Luka pulled two gold bands out of his pocket. He gave them to the minister.

He presented Luka's ring to Abby.

She took his left hand in her own.

The minister spoke the words, and she repeated them. Her eyes were bright with tears.

Then it was Luka's turn. He took her hand. "With this ring, I thee wed." The room was blurry. He blinked hard and looked at her.

"Luka, you may kiss your bride."

They laughed with the joy of it, and then Luka kissed his wife.


	21. Honeymoon Sweet

A/N: It has become harder to write this with the new season here. But there's a bit more to it. So, I'm really going to try to keep going and bring it to the conclusion I'd originally envisioned. So here's the next step. Honeymoon Sweet 

He had one hand on the wheel, the other hand held hers.

Abby looked at her husband. Her husband. "Where are we going?"

"It's supposed to be a surprise."

"Well, not for much longer."

"I'm just sorry it's in Chicago."

"I'd rather be here than waste time traveling since we only have two nights. I just couldn't get any more leave, and still finish the third year on time."

"I know. It's fine. I'll take you somewhere next year. A second honeymoon."

"Deal."

Luka pulled into the entrance. "Here we are."

"The Drake?"

"Wait till you see the view."

Luka checked in. "We have a reservation under Kovac."

"Ah yes, Mr. and Mrs. Kovac."

Abby smiled. Mrs. Kovac. Dr. Lockhart and Mrs. Kovac? Or Dr. Lockhart and Dr. Kovac? She'd still use Richard's name professionally to keep it simple. But otherwise . .. . .. she was a Kovac.

They took the elevators up and up and up.

"Your suite". Said the bellboy.

Abby mouthed to Luka behind the boy's back. "Suite?"

Luka shrugged.

The bellboy let them in, pointed out some things and left with the money Luka pressed into his hand. Luka followed him to the door and put out the "Do not Disturb" sign.

Abby walked over to the huge windows with a view of Lake Michigan.

"Oh, Luka."

"You like it?"

"It's wonderful. I've never stayed . . . anywhere . . so elegant."

"Really?" He was surprised.

"Richard was a cheapskate. At least with me."

He came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her and began to kiss her neck and nibble on her ear.

She smiled and turned to face him. Their lips met and held the kiss.

He pulled back a little. "Maybe we should check out the rest of the suite?'

"Maybe." She said smiling. He backed away towards the open door, holding her hand and never leaving her eyes.

"Oh .. .my . . .god." She said laughing. "That is the biggest bed I've ever seen. And what? Are those .. .they're not . . .. .those are .. rose petals ……. " She walked over and picked up a handful and let them run through her fingers.

He did the same. "When you tell them you're on your honeymoon, they have a lot of suggestions."

"Really? Like .. . ."

"Never mind."

She felt herself blush, inexplicably nervous. Her back was to him, and he slid his hands up and slipped her silky jacket off, tossing it onto a chair. There was nothing between his hands and her but her thin camisole, and he took advantage of it. She moaned softly leaning back into him and winding her arms up around his neck. After a time, his hands slid down to her waist, and she felt her skirt fall to the floor. She stepped out of it and kicked it aside. She thought to herself she was no virginal bride, but he didn't seem to mind.

He had way too many clothes on. She reached up and helped him slip his blazer off. Then the tie . . .then the shirt . . . .there . . she slid her hands up over his chest, his hands were still working their way over her. He slid them down to her hips and pulled her in tight. It was clear that he was ready . .. . .and so was she. She backed up taking him with her. He hooked hands under her thighs and hoisted her onto the bed. Leaning back into the roses, she thought that the smell would now be inexorably linked to him in her mind. He slipped her thong off over the thigh high nylons and heels, and in a moment he was inside of her. She wrapped her legs around him and arched back in pleasure, drifting, letting the sensation build till it crested like a wave. She hoped the expense of the suite included solid walls as she had no intention of stifling herself now. Watching her, he smiled at her pleasure and let his own mind go. His eyes closed, and he groaned at the exquisite sensations, following her over the top. When he opened his eyes, he looked into hers.

The deal was sealed.

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Abby sank back into the tub, pushing the bubbles from her face.

She heard a soft tap at the door and a sing-song voice. "Abby .. .. you hungry?'

He walked in carrying a bunch of grapes.

"Hey, I like you in that robe."

"I like you in those bubbles. You should see all this fruit .. .and chocolate and these puffy things. I don't know . . "

"You don't know what you ordered for lunch?"

"No . .I just keep telling people we're on our honeymoon . . .and they seem to know what to do. Where do they get this kind of fruit in the winter?"

She laughed. "I think I'll soak a few more minutes. This tub is huge."

"If you're hungry, I could bring lunch to you, so it doesn't get cold."

"In the tub?"

He shrugged. "Want a grape?"

She nodded, and he took one between his fingers and put it gently into her lips. She took it but not without a little nibble on those fingers. He smiled.

"Want another?"

She nodded again. He was staring at her . . .. in that way he had. She never knew a man who could make her ready for him .. .with just a look .. … . .but .. ..

He took another and put it between his teeth and kneeling down offered it to her. She took it and by way of thanks gently bit his lower lip. The food forgotten, he climbed in the tub, robe and all as Abby laughed.

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Luka woke to morning light in his eyes. They had left the curtains open to watch the lights of the city last night. He looked down at her. Her face was turned away from him, stomach pressed into the bed, arm flung over his chest. He smiled.

There it was again, the feeling that he was at the midpoint of his life. That everything that had happened was somehow leading up to this, sometimes in wonderful, sometimes in strangely twisted and dark ways, that from this moment other things would happen, good things or bad things, but they would be flowing _from_ this instead of _to_ it.

What would he change if he could? Many things . .. it would be impossible not to . . .. ..but if he did he might never arrive here . . … and that seemed impossible in and of itself. He sighed. Life was a strange and beautiful dance. That morning he could only be glad to be dancing it with her. He stroked her arm lazily. Then he turned and pressed his lips into the back of his wife's neck. It was, after all, his right.

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They lay wrapped in each other on the couch of their suite watching the sun set over Lake Michigan.

Luka broke the silence. "I can't believe we have to go to work tomorrow."

"I can't believe we never made it out of this room."

"We can fix that."

Abby smiled. "No, I wouldn't change a thing."


	22. The Search for Meaning

The Search for Meaning

"Luka, it's so nice to see you again." Dr. Baker shook his hand as he sat down. "It's been a while. How have you been?"

"Things have been good. Abby and I are . .great."

"That's good. But . . . .?"

"In . . . . .well in a couple of months . . .it will be May . . .Josef's birthday and then . . .losing him it will be a year . . since we . .lost him."

"Yes."

"And I feel I need to do something."

"Do something?"

"Yes … .something . . ._important_. The problem is, I don't think Abby's going to like it. And I just . . .I just I need to be sure . . . why I'm doing it . . . . . what it means.. . .. ."

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Luka toyed with his food during dinner.

"You don't like the chicken?"

"What?"

"The chicken. Are you okay?"

"Yeah . . . .no. .. . . ." Luka pushed away from the table.

"Luka?"

"I . .. . there's something we need to talk about. There's something I feel like I need to do . . .. "

"Do?"

"I want to go to Dafur."

"What?"

"I want to go and work in Dafur in April . . .be back in May for his birthday and everything… ."

"How long have you been thinking about this?"

"I don't know . .off and on . . .I wanted to be sure.. before we talked about it.. . . .it's just it's getting close . . and I want . . I want to do . .something . . . .something for him . . ..and this it feels right . .it feels like the right thing to . . do."

"I see." She turned away from him.

He knew she hated this, could feel it. "I've buried three children . . .three, Abby . . my life . . .it has to mean something. "

She turned around to face him, fire in her eyes. "It does mean something. It means something to me. But that's not enough is it? Is it?"

"Abby . . . .. it's not that simple."

"Luka you save people here .. you do good things here . . . you don't have to go where people are being killed . . . .to do good things."

"Lots of people do good things here. There aren't that many people willing to go there."

"Just you and . . let me guess? Carter."

"He's back there now, yes. Abby, I can save children, lots of children who need a doctor, who might die without one . . .it's different there . . . "

"Yes, so I've heard."

"Abby . . "

"I know .. . . .I'm supposed to support you, to think this is great. But Luka" He reached for her hand but she pulled away "I . … .I need a bath. I need to think."

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He lay in their bed hands behind his head, staring at the ceiling, waiting for her. She finally emerged, hair up, wet tendrils down over her neck, ready for bed.

"I know this . . . .has been hard on you. And I know you have to deal with it in your way. This scares the shit out of me . .. . . I can't lie and say I want you to go. But I can tell you that I'll try to understand. Like I said before, if this is something you need to do, you should do it. I still hate it. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it."

He nodded and reached out his hand. She took it, and he pulled her into him.

"I love you, Abby."

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He was leaving in the morning. She had stood by and watched him make plans, pack his bag, request his sabbatical. Made no complaint, offered no objection. She just watched. And now she couldn't watch anymore. His bag was by the door, he was leaving at a god awful hour of morning, and she thought her heart would break. She lay curled up away from him. She had promised herself she wouldn't make him feel bad. Would be the good and dutiful wife, but in the end, on this last night, she couldn't …. let him hold her. It was too much. If he wanted to be apart for a month, then maybe they should both get used to it. She could hear him breathing next to her. He'd put his hand on her arm when he'd got into bed, stroked it with his fingers.

"Goodnight Luka, you better get some sleep" was her answer. He sighed and retreated to his side of the bed. She couldn't stop the tears. Was he already asleep? Damn him. She was afraid he'd get sick again or worse, but it was more than that. She hadn't wanted to name her other fears. She trusted him, but she knew it would be an intense situation. He'd be sharing things with other people, other women, that she wouldn't know, wouldn't experience – he'd change. "It changes you" that's what he'd said. She didn't want him to change. She didn't want them to change. Maybe in the end what they had wouldn't be enough for him. Maybe she wouldn't be enough. He'd "find himself" in the hot arid desert, and she'd lose him. Shit.

The alarm sounded in the dark. It felt like the middle of the night instead of four in the morning. Luka slammed his hand on the alarm. She was still asleep. He watched her for a moment then headed for the shower. He was just stepping out when he saw a figure in the doorway and jumped.

"Make love to me."

"Abby . . "

"Love me . . . ."

How could he not? He took her wrist and pulled her in for a long kiss lifting her feet from the floor. She wrapped her legs around him, and he carried her to their bed. She was desperate. He could feel it in her touch. The way she kissed him. _She didn't think . . .he'd . . ._ . .

He looked down at her, there was fear in her eyes. She was afraid for him . ….. and for them . … . . _Oh Abby, don't you know?_

He leaned over her and kissed the inside of each thigh.

"Only you, Abby, only you."

Then he entered her. She caught her breath and the tears that were waiting to fall, fell. He kissed them away.

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He lay with his head on her feeling her fingers in his hair. He should get up. He had to get ready to go. But he didn't. The phone rang, and finally he pulled himself from her to answer it.

"Hello."

"Yes. I'll be down in five minutes."

"Okay."

"Cab?" Abby asked when he hung up.

"Yes. I've got to go." He pulled on jeans and a t-shirt and grabbed a sweatshirt.

"Cancel the cab. I'll drive you."

"You don't have to do that."

"I know."

"It might be easier . . ."

"I'll drive."

The tone of her voice told him argument would be futile. So, Luka went down to pay off the driver and send him away while Abby dressed. Neither felt like eating.

They were silent on the drive to airport. Luka rested a hand on her thigh and leaned against the glass watching Chicago go by.

"You don't have to come in. You can't come to the gate."

"It's okay. I'll park and wait while you check in."

He sighed. He didn't want to say good-bye to her surrounded by all those people. But if that's what she wanted . . . .

Still they said nothing. She stood beside him while he got his boarding pass and checked his bag.

"You can't come any further."

Why did that make her want to cry? "I know." Her throat was tight.

"It's only a month."

"Yeah . . only . . .a month." _Unless you change your mind. Unless you get addicted to it again. Unless . .. … . . unless . . .unless_ . ..

He bent down to kiss her, soft, gentle and sweet.

Then she leaned into him, and he wrapped her in his arms. She didn't like public displays of affection as a rule, but this morning, it was as if she were alone with him. No one else mattered. _Don't go. Please don't go._ She choked back the words. She had to let him. It was the only way.

He took her face in his hands. "I'll be okay, Abby. I know . . . . I know you will be . …fine. .. It's just a little while."

She nodded. Then he was gone. She watched him walk away. Luka never turned back, knowing if he did he wouldn't have the strength to leave her.

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Abby drove from the airport to the hospital. She looked like hell she was sure, and her shift didn't start for two more hours. But she didn't want to go home.

Kerry caught her on her way it. "Abby? You're not on yet."

"I know. I took Luka to the airport this morning . . . figured I'd just come in from there."

"Are you okay?'

"Yeah . . yeah I'm fine. I may as well start working."

"Okay if you're sure. We could use the help."

"Yeah. I'll just get ready."

Abby went into the lounge. Kovac. Luka's locker. The lump came back to her throat. She turned to her own. Opening it she caught sight of herself in the small mirror that hung on the inside. It hit her like a bolt of lightening piercing her chest. She wanted it desperately. The one thing that could never happen. The one thing she'd thought she'd never want. She wished they'd conceived that morning. Wished she had his baby, their baby growing inside her right now. The longing was so intense she thought she'd be sick. She sank into the sofa and put her head in her hands. He wasn't even there to tell. What difference would it make any way? _I'd have your baby again. I'd try again. If I could. But I can't. Oh Luka._


	23. Flying Solo

A/N: I just want to say I was really touched by the reviews for the last chapter. Thanks so much for the support through this story. Hope you continue to enjoy it as it winds down. Flying Solo 

The heat was intense. He knew it would be, but somehow it was a force he wasn't fully prepared to contend with. It was a dry heat, not the moist, smothering heat of the jungle. His throat was dry, parched. It was immobilizing like the heat of malaria. Luka shivered. Where was his ride?

"Dr. Kovac? Debbie. We met in Kisangani. You were pretty sick, might not remember me, John and Gillian's friend."

He put out his hand to shake hers. "I'm sorry . .. I was pretty out of it .. . "

"Nice to have you back. We better get going, don't want to be out when the sun goes down."

They rode in the back of the jeep, and she filled him in on the camp.

"Is there a way to call home?"

"We only use the phones for international calls in an emergency, but we have internet access most of the time. You'll have a chance about once a week."

He nodded, looked agitated.

"Is there a problem?'

"No . . .no." _Just that I didn't tell her. I didn't tell her before I left_.

"John will show you the wards in the morning. You might as well get something to eat and grab some sleep tonight."

They pulled up at the quarters, and Carter came out to greet him.

"Luka!" He gave him a solid hug then looked him in the eye. "It's great to have you here. I'm so sorry."

Luka nodded. "Thanks."

"How's Abby?"

"She's . . .she's . .., getting through it."

Carter nodded. "Come on in. You can shower if you want but you have a better chance at luke warm water in the morning."

"I'll wait." He wasn't ready to wash his wife from his body.

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Abby walked into the dark apartment. She'd worked a double shift, and then had dinner with Neela at Ike's. She was exhausted. The light on the answering machine was blinking. He said he'd call if he could. She pushed the button. Maggie. No Luka. She pushed another button, and Luka's voice sounded in the apartment. "We can't come to the phone right now. Sorry we missed your call. Please leave a message." She sighed. Very adolescent Abby. Be an adult. Go up and read all those journals that have been stacking up.

She climbed the stairs and went into their bedroom. She scooped her pajama pants off the floor and hunted for her camisole without success. She grabbed one of his shirts and got ready for bed. Abby contemplated a warm bath, but wasn't ready to wash him from her body. This was going to be a very long month.

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Carter finished up the tour. "So this is where you'll sleep. You'll probably wake up coughing tonight. Everyone does when they arrive. I'll bring you something that will help."

"Thanks."

"It's great to see you. We'll get to work in the morning."

Luka nodded. After Carter left, he opened his bag. He'd stuffed it in at the last moment on a whim. He held it in his hands, and then he breathed her in. The camisole still smelled of her.

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"He came to see you before he left. Didn't he?"

Dr. Baker sat back in her chair and watched Abby. "Yes"

Abby nodded. "I . . something happened the morning he left."

"Yes?"

"I .. . .I . . wanted to be . . I wished that I was pregnant."

"Oh."

"And I . .I don't know what it means because, well obviously, that's not going to happen. And I'm not sure it means anything more than I wanted . . . .a part of him . . here with me . . …I mean I don't know if it means I really would want a baby . .. . some other way."

"That would be a big decision."

"Yes .. . . it would be . .. huge."

"Have you talked to Luka since he left?"

She shook her head, her eyes wet. "I'm waiting for an email. Besides, I can't . . .I can't talk to him till I'm sure."

"Are you certain about that?"

"I wouldn't want . . . to get his hopes up . . "

"Is this a decision you can make alone?

"No .. but I have to know if there's any decision to be made .. . .I can't give him hope that's not real . . ."

"And you're sure he would want it?"

"Yes. I mean I don't know if he's ready today. But I know him. He'll be ready some day."

"I see." She watched Abby for a moment. "How is it for you with him gone?"

"Hard . .lonely. I try to understand why he wanted to do this … .and sometimes I almost can . … Do you?"

"Understand?"

"Yes."

"People . . need different things. . .different ways to heal . . .to move forward. You know, Abby, successful relationships aren't about two halves making a whole. It doesn't work that way. He has to be his own person, and so do you."

"I know. I know first hand two halves make a mess. I just wish . .. . . there'd been something else . .. .for him . . .. to do. It scares me that he's there. That I'm here. That we're so . . . . .separate."

"You've been through a lot together."

"Yeah, but I mean I was . . .I was fine before . . before we got back together. I was . . good just me. Maybe I'm scared I'm not any more. . . .not without him."

"I see."

"I need to be okay without him. Don't I?"

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The work was grinding, relentless and horrific. Had he really had the stomach for this before? He guessed he had. He had been ready to stay indefinitely. Now he was counting the days. He took satisfaction in helping those he could, but there were too many he couldn't. Certainly he wasn't unique here .. .. loss was a way of life. People lost families, children, everything as a matter of course. But he felt unable to settle down, to settle in, he would look up from his work in the hospital expecting to see something. He didn't know what it was till he realized he was hoping for a glimpse of her. He missed her maybe more than he had ever missed anyone in his life, and that surprised him. The sheer intensity of it had thrown him. Part of it was fear. He worried that by leaving he'd damaged what they had, that it wouldn't be the same when he got home.

When he finally had a chance to email her he sat at the screen dumbfounded. What could he possibly say. But he had to say something . .. . .

He checked his mail. Abby. Weaver was driving everyone crazy. She was fine. She hoped he was. She missed him. She loved him.

So he wrote about the people, the conditions, the loss, the heat, and then he tried to tell her.

_I'm not even sure anymore why I came. I thought I'd find something here. But it's not here anymore. Maybe it never was. I catch myself looking for you or expecting to feel you next to me when I wake up. I'm not sure I've ever missed anyone so much. But I'm fine. I'm doing fine, and I'll be home soon. _

_All my love,  
Luka._

There that was a close approximation. He hit send.

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Abby sat at her monitor reading the words, reading his words. She should have known, but she hadn't. He was hers. That's what he was saying. He didn't belong to Danijela any more, or to Africa, or to anything or anyone but her.

She smiled. There would be no private nurse. There would be no letter explaining why he had to stay. No epiphany that excluded her. She knew what she had to do, release him from the fear she'd felt when she last saw him. She'd wrapped him in it like it was a shroud. He needed to be free of it so he could do whatever it was he had to do there for himself … . for them. She was the only one who could give it to him what he needed, or else she would be the one killing him . . .not Africa. She began to type.

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The party had been going on for a couple of hours. Every now and again, they had to cut lose to keep from going mad. Alcohol flowed, music played, bodies pressed together in the dark.

Luka had helped himself to the drinks. He needed it. He was tired. It had been two hellacious weeks, rape, torture, dehydration, death. He felt like it was clinging to him, and he wanted nothing more than to make it go away for a few hours.

He'd turned down offers to dance more than once. He was ready to be alone, so he grabbed a bottle and escaped.

"Luka?" Carter had noted his absence, gone in search.

"Yeah." He lay on the ground a stones throw from the compound.

"What are you doing?"

"Stars . . . .looking at stars."

"Are you okay?"

"Sure."

Carter sat down. "Cause you really don't look okay?"

"I'm drunk."

"I see that. Homesick?"

"Something like that." _Lovesick? Abbysick?_ It wasn't that he missed Chicago. He liked living there, but he never really missed it.

Carter nodded. "When did you . . . .when did you two get married?" He hadn't noticed the ring right away, and it had surprised him when he did.

"February."

"If you've forgotten the exact date already, you're going to be in trouble."

Luka looked at him and grinned. "She promised to remind me."

"What made you come?"

_Because you saved my life and I couldn't come when you asked? _ _Penance? To wipe out whatever debt I seem to owe that consumes everyone I love? _ "To honor our son." In that moment it hit him. The absurdity of it, that he could think he could honor Josef, by doing something that hurt his mother. _Idiot._ He took another swig from the bottle.

"It's a hard thing to get past."

"Why are you here?"

"Kem's mother is ill. She's her only family, wants to be with her. I can't stand Paris. Now I know how she felt about Chicago. So when I need to get away, I come here, and then I go back and do it all over again."

"Tough."

"Yes." They could hear voices and laughter coming from the party. "I think we may be the only two here not having sex."

"You mean in general or at this moment."

"Probably both."

Luka smiled. "Staving off death."

"What?"

"In Croatia, before the war, well right before, when we knew it was coming or should have known. People would just look at each other and have sex, in cars, behind buildings .. anywhere .. .staving off death."

Carter raised his eyebrows. "Really?"

Luka looked at him. "Not me. I was married. But I heard . .. "

Carter nodded. "How are you doing, Luka? "

"I'm okay. It's hard work. You know that. I just . .. ." Luka closed his eyes. It finally hit him what it was. That last morning she'd stopped believing, stopped knowing. He hadn't expected that. Maybe he should have known leaving her for this place was too much to ask. But he couldn't say that so he let other words tumble from his mouth. "I just miss her so much. At least last time I didn't think about her when I was working." Then he realized what he had said and to whom_. Damn drink_. "Sorry."

Carter raised his eyebrows. "No . . .no don't be. It's funny you say that. I was thinking . .. .. well remembering .. . You know with everything we went through . .she went through when we were together. The only time I ever saw her really cry was when we thought you were dead."

He'd made her cry. And now he'd done it again. He took another drink. Maybe he was destined to bring her nothing but pain.

"I guess I'm just . . I'm glad for you both that you're getting through this .. .together. I know it's hard."

Luka looked at him. "Thanks." They had been if he hadn't ruined it.

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She was under him, then on top, then under again. Their mouths were hungry, and he loved the feel of her skin under his hands.

"Luka … Luka .. . .wake up. Rise and shine."

Luka squinted, his head was pounding and his throat was dry. And that had been a very nice dream.

"Here take these." Carter handed him some Tylenol and water.

"What time is it?"

"Not too late, but you better get up or you'll miss checking your email. I need you in the clinic if you can make it."

"Yeah, . .yeah. . I'll be fine. Sorry."

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There it was. He opened her email. Luka smiled and touched the screen. Words of love, understanding and encouragement. She wasn't afraid. She wasn't afraid any more. She knew, and now so did he.


	24. You Never Know

Warning: Some sexual content in this one. I don't think it exceeds the rating. 

Many thanks for your continued feedback.

You Never Know 

Luka was playing soccer with a group of young boys. Carter stood watching him. It was as if someone had flipped a light switch. Luka didn't seem to mind the heat anymore, and he was laughing and shouting encouragement. It had happened after the party. The Luka who had first turned up was the one he had been expecting, closed off, sad, brooding. It was who he himself had been after losing Joshua. Somehow it had been comforting to see it. As if it was the only way to be in the face of such loss. Then it had changed. Luka made jokes with his co-workers, played with the children in the camp, and he was relaxed, confident, content. He was still obviously affected by the work and the conditions – no one could see what these people struggled with first hand and be unaffected – but he wasn't taking it in anymore. It wasn't becoming part of him. Carter could only imagine why. Something about the answer made him sad, which made him feel small, which he didn't like.

Luka's team scored a goal, he ran by with his arms in the air. "Hey, John, want to play?"

"No . .not me. . .thanks."

Luka nodded and resumed the game.

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"Good morning, Mrs. Brown, Mr. Brown. I'm Dr. Lockhart. We have the test results back on William. It looks like it's his appendix. Dr. Rasgotra is going to come and speak to you about an appendectomy."

"Surgery? Shhhh" She jiggled her baby in her arms and tried to sooth her. Mr. Brown walked over and took the boy's hand.

Abby looked down at the baby as the blanket fell back. A shock of black hair, Chinese features.

Abby was fascinated. Couldn't help herself. "How old is she?"

"Four months, we've had her two now. I think I'm going to have to nurse her." She sat back in the chair.

Abby looked surprised.

She was used to it, liked to tell her story. "I was able to re-lactate. We figured one of our own was enough with so many babies in the world who need parents." She turned to her husband. "Honey, you want to get the formula ready?" Then back to Abby. "I don't have quite enough."

Abby nodded. She felt her stomach coil into a knot. She collected herself, turned to her patient. "William, if your tummy starts to hurt again, you tell us. We'll give you something to make it better. Okay?" The five year old looked at her with big eyes.

"It doesn't hurt right now."

"Okay, you just let the nurse know." Then looking at his parents, "I'll check back in a few minutes."

She stepped into the hall and leaned against the wall, shutting her eyes. A baby. A baby who needed parents. Parents who needed a baby. It was a part of who he was. Was it a part of who she was? She didn't know. _Luka . . . . . ._

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Luka sat in the shade, drinking a bottle of water. It was good to be tired from running instead of tired from dealing with the unending stream of illness. Children. It was good to be with children. He would look into volunteering when he got home. Maybe be a big brother, or something like that. He could fill the space without demanding that she have the same space. After all they, were different people. He couldn't shape her into what she wasn't. He didn't want to try. She'd either want it some day or not. In any case, it was a void he could fill on his own. It didn't mean giving up on her or giving up on them.

Carter came and sat down next to him.

"How do you do it?"

"What?" Luka asked.

"Run."

He laughed. "I don't know. It's been a long time since I had the chance to play."

"You look like you're having fun."

"There's good things about being here. You know that."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"What changed – I mean while you've been here, what changed?"

Luka regarded him quietly. What to say? "Abby . … sent me an email. I don't know. What she said, it changed things for me."

Carter raised his eyebrows. " She's not . . .she's not . .. ?"

"What?"

He couldn't help himself. He had to know. Was driven to it, even though he knew it was none of his business. "Pregnant?"

Luka's face blanched. "No, no she's not pregnant."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked. I didn't mean to pry. It's just that's been a sticking point with Kem . . .I wondered .. . ."

"Carter . .. . .John, we can't. .. we can't have any more children."

"What?"

"There were complications with the birth. Abby .. . .Abby had a hysterectomy."

"Oh god, Luka. I'm sorry. I didn't . .. "

"I know. It's okay. It's what is."

Carter shook his head. He didn't know what to say. He had a thousand things to ask, none of them any of his business. He'd already crossed one line. He couldn't cross another.

"I didn't mean . . . .. I just. You seem so . . . .different."

"It's a tough year. Lots of ups and downs. Life's like that sometimes."

"Yeah. I'm sorry I assumed. It's just I know how I would feel if I got that message from home . .from Kem. . .. . I keep . . I keep hoping she'll be ready some day."

"Sometimes it's not about what you don't have, it's about what you do. That's what Abby reminded me of – what we have, what I have waiting for me." Luka looked out at the camp. "It's so much more than so many people will ever have. You have it too. That's what you need to remember. The rest will work itself out."

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She was pacing. Pacing back and forth. She had arrived an hour early. Ridiculous. But she couldn't wait. She smoothed her skirt. A skirt. Even more ridiculous. She wanted to what? Make it special. Lipstick, skirt, hair up the way he liked it. Pacing. Watching the screen. He'd landed. Dear god, he'd landed. Here. Above her. Now. Her hands felt clammy. Her heart was pounding_. Luka._

Her eyes darted around the new throng of people descending on the escalator. Where was he? There. Oh god. It was him. He hadn't seen her yet. His height gave her the advantage. His hair was longer, needed a trim. He had dark circles under his eyes and stubble. He hadn't shaved. He looked tired and thinner, his shirt hung on him a bit. But he was here and whole. And in two more minutes she could touch him. Again.

She started moving through the crowd. Too many people. He was looking around. Still couldn't see her. Didn't know she was here. So close. She wanted to call his name, but her throat was blocked. Couldn't do it. Finally, it came out in a whisper. "Luka." There was no way he could hear her, but just as she said it, he caught her eye. His face broke into the most beautiful smile she'd ever seen. It was cliché. It was embarrassing. It was foolish. She didn't care. She ran at him. He steadied himself and caught her up in his arms rearing back and lifting her from the ground. They were laughing and crying at the same time. She buried her face in his neck, and he rocked her. Then she pulled back to see his eyes. Luka's eyes. Their mouths met, and she didn't care. Didn't care how many people saw them. Eat your hearts out. He's here. He's home. Do you see that? He's home

Finally, he put her down.

"I'll just get my bag."

She nodded. She still hadn't managed to speak, but he didn't seem to mind. He took her hand and didn't let go even when he bent down to retrieve his bag. They threaded their way through the crowds. Together.

Abby drove him home. It felt right. She'd taken him there. She would return him home. He rested his hand on her thigh again. She found her voice.

"Tell me."

"Carter's fine. He sends his best."

She smiled, nodded. "And you . . tell me about you."

So he tried. He told her about the doctors, the nurses, the patients, the children, the heat, the heartache, the strength.

They walked into the apartment. He took a deep breath. He was home. He was exhausted and hungry and wanted a hot shower.

She turned to face him. "What do you want first? Hot shower, hot meal, sleep?"

"You" he growled, pulled her into him and kissed her like she'd never been kissed, hungry, sweet. He freed her hair sending the clip flying across the room, tangled his fingers in it. She felt herself move not by her will, but by his, till her back hit a wall.

It was what she wanted. Exactly what she wanted. She hadn't realized it till she felt his urgency. She wanted him to take her like this, hard and fast and desperate. She wound her legs around him so he could get one hand free to unbuckle his pants, free himself. His hand groped under her skirt and pushed aside the thong. She'd have to wear skirts more often. Then he was inside her. She groaned. He moved his arm and hand to protect her head and back and thrust into her. Her nails dug into him, and her legs tightened around him.

He pulled back to look at her. As if he suddenly realized what he was doing, that he needed to know it was okay.

She looked into his eyes. "Yes."

His mouth came down on hers again, and he moved inside her again and again and again, till they both shattered like glass in a breathless moment.

He leaned against her. Didn't want to separate, didn't want to let go. Not now. Not ever.

"Feel better?"

He smiled, laughed. "Mmmhmm. You?"

"Yes. . .. " She smiled too.

"Thank you." He murmured into her hair.

"My pleasure."

He looked at her, chuckled. "Not that, for letting me go."

She nodded.

"And for those pictures you sent. Who the hell took them?"

Abby laughed. "Neela owed me."

"Now, I owe Neela."

"I wanted to be sure you had an incentive not to miss your flight."

"Incentive? Is that what they call it?"

Abby laughed. "Luka, you're going to have to put me down sooner or later."

"Later." His mouth was on her neck now. She was so sweet. So incredibly sweet.

Abby tipped her head back and smiled. Then she felt it. She felt it again. The longing. Like the need for a drink. She wished that she was pregnant. No, not wished, longed. He was here. Right here. And she wanted it, maybe even more than when he left. A baby. She wanted his baby. Inside her. Now.

She gasped. He looked up at her. Saw the pain.

"I'm sorry. I'm hurting you?"

He eased her down. She looked at the ground, holding onto his arms to steady herself.

"No . . no I'm okay." But she didn't look okay, she sort of weaved as she headed for the couch straightening her clothes. He grabbed his pants, sheepish, embarrassed. He had. He had hurt her.

He knelt in front of her, brushing the hair from her face. Her eyes were troubled, pained.

"Abby .. . I'm sorry."

She looked at him again. "No . .no it's not it's not you . . ."

"What?"

She didn't want to tell him. Wasn't ready. Still didn't know what it meant. But she couldn't not tell him. Not when he was looking at her like that.

"I . …. I just .. . . I just wish I could be pregnant. I wish I could be pregnant with our child again."

Luka fell backwards as if she'd pushed him. Sat on the ground staring at her stunned. It was the last thing he'd expected. The very last.

"Abby?"

She looked at him. "Say something."

"I can't."

She knew. Understood. If he said he wished it too, he'd only twist the knife in further. To say it didn't matter, that he didn't want it would be a lie and they'd both know it.

He pulled himself toward her. Put his arms around her, and she lay her head on his shoulder.

"I don't know what it means. I don't know if I want it some other way. I don't know."

He rocked her and stroked her hair. _Abby . . ,oh Abby_.


	25. Nothing but Risk

As we wind down, I just want to thank everyone again for the support as I've written this story. I hope you've enjoyed it despite the painful start. There's one more chapter to go after this one. The title for this chapter was inspired by the Maggie/Abby scene in Where the Heart Is. "Nothing But Risk" 

He sat next to her, holding her, crying with her. . . . .again.

Finally, Abby spoke. "I'm sorry, not much of a homecoming."

"Don't be sorry. I'm not."

She turned her head to look at him.

"I can't be sorry, Abby. I mean I'm sorry it hurts you, but I don't think you can know what it means to me . . .. that you. .. .would want . . …. a baby . .. again . . ..with me, if it were possible."

She studied him. "I …. .I haven't . ..I'm not sure . . .. but if . … ..I wanted?"

"Yes."

She smiled at him. "Are you so sure you know what I was going to say?"

"Yes. If you change your mind about another way, would I want it?"

"You would? You're sure? How . ….after . .. .everything . …?"

"I don't know. Being away, I knew . . .I _know_ what we have . .what I have with you. . how much we have. I never . .. . .I've never felt . … ..like this . … for someone . . . .._with_ someone . . … . You know that don't you?"

She looked at him. Did she? Did she know it? She took it in . . .what it meant. She nodded.

"I'd like to have children in my life . .. .somehow, but I don't need us to have a baby in our lives to be happy. Darfur . .. ..reminded me .. . .I saw . . .I don't know . … people there . . .Abby, people have lost everything . .. children . . homes . .whole families . …. ..they're sick . . .they don't always have enough to eat . . or drink . .. .or …. still … .still some of them have … .hope . . . . and they find a way to go on. . .to live .. .to really live. Others it's like they're already dead . . .they've given up. I'd rather live with hope. I can't think of anything more hopeful than bringing a child into our lives, but only, _only_, if you want it, Abby. I don't need you to do it for me. You shouldn't. It wouldn't be right. You know that."

"I know." She sighed, taking his hand. "That's the hard part. It's not something I can just do .. . . . _for_ you . . … because I love you. It wouldn't be fair to any of us."

"No, it wouldn't. I don't need you to do it for me, Abby, but if it's something you want . .. . .I'll want it with you. You don't have to decide today."

She studied his face. "I missed you."

"I missed you too." He gave her a kiss. "Now, about that hot food and hot shower?"

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He was exhausted. The bed felt good. She felt better. He absently stroked her arm as his eyes grew heavy. Then he felt her move. She shifted from him, sat up. He could see her profile in the moonlight. She was pensive. _God she's beautiful._ He wondered if he'd ever stop being so hungry for her, not just physically, but in every way. Luka ran the back of his hand down her back.

"Abby?"

"I just . . I hate . .I can't give you what you want."

"Abby . . . … " He sat up, moved close behind her, trailed his hand down her arm. "I can't lie to you. I want it . . I want another child with you, but. . . I don't need it to be happy. I've been thinking, I'll volunteer, be a Big Brother or something." He took her face in his hand, shifted so they were eye to eye. "I don't _need_ it, Abby. I need you."

She pressed her face into his and covered his hand with her own.

"I need you too."

"If you do this for the wrong reasons, neither of us will be happy."

Abby nodded. "How will I know?"

Luka shrugged. "You'll know. If it's right you'll know, and if not, then we have each other."

"It's enough?" 

"More than enough."

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She didn't decide, didn't _know_, that day or the next _or_ the next or the one after that either. Part of her wanted it, and part of her was afraid. What if she didn't love the baby the way she should? What if it just reminded her of Josef?_ What if? What if? What if?_

If she thought about it once, she thought about it a thousand times. That night was no different, except it was. The next day would have been his first birthday. Josef would have been one.

"What do you want to do tomorrow?" Luka had asked her earlier that evening.

"I don't know. Maybe we should to the cemetery. It's been a while."

He nodded.

Dinner had been quiet. He was sleeping now. She looked over at him, hair tousled, face relaxed. He looked so young. _Why aren't you afraid of another baby? _

_Because he has hope. Do I?_

Another baby, someone else's baby, or their own inside someone else. Why did that give her the shivers. Another woman with her baby . . his baby . . inside her. Then it would look like him or her or both of them. Then it might be bipolar. Then it might have his smile. Then it might want to drink. Adoption? A baby who needed parents? Parents who needed a baby? What if the mother changed her mind? What if something went wrong at the birth? _What if? What if? What if?_

Finally, she fell asleep. She woke before dawn. She could swear someone had called her name, but Luka was still soundly sleeping. His birthday. It was his birthday. She went into the nursery. It was empty but for the loveseat. The walls were still decorated, but nothing else remained.

She could see Luka bent over the crib, hear him cursing it in Croatian. _"I love . .. .this . .. . all of this."_ She'd chickened out. She'd meant to tell him that morning that she loved him, and found she couldn't, not really. She could almost feel his head on her belly. "_You're right, let's get married."_

Well, they'd done that. He was right about that. He was right about a lot of things. She sighed. He'd gone to Africa to honor Josef. The day had come, and she still had no idea what she would do to for her son, to give meaning to his all too brief life. Then she heard it.

"_Be a mother."_

It was as loud and clear as if someone had spoken the words. It came again.

"_Be a mother."_

It was like being in Coburn's waiting room on that cold January day. She had been so afraid, and then they'd called her name. The minute she heard it she knew she couldn't do it . …….. or that she could do it. She could have their baby. She could be a mother. They could do it. … . .together. She couldn't do it for him, but she could do it _with_ him.

She felt the tears well up in her eyes.

"Abby?" Luka stood in the doorway. "Are you okay?"

She nodded. He walked over and sat next to her and took her hand between his own.

She looked at him, but still she couldn't speak.

"Couldn't sleep?" he asked, concerned.

"I want to do it."

"What?"

"We should . .. . we should have a baby. . . .some way. We should be parents."

He looked at her for a long moment. Her eyes were wet, but there was no doubt. She was sure. She knew.

He swallowed hard and put his head in her lap, wrapping his arms around her.

She stroked his hair and smiled. There really was nothing but risk.

Risk and hope.


	26. All the Good Things

A/N: Sorry for the long wait. Many thanks again to my beta readers Claudia and Jenny who made the story much better than it would have been. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read and review and for all the positive support and feedback. I hope the conclusion doesn't disappoint.

All the Good Things

"Luka" she whispered and hit his arm, waking him. "Luka . .he's doing it."

"What?" He was groggy with sleep.

"He's nursing."

Luka down looked at the baby lying between them. "He is. Look at him go."

"Chip off the old block."

"What?"

"Never mind. The nurse said if he was sleepy and not too hungry. . he just might.. .. .." This made the weeks with the breastpump and the crazy tube contraption taped to her breast all worth it.

Luka reached over and brushed a stray strand of hair from her face. Then he kissed the top of his son's jet black hair. Life was good. He smiled watching them, and then despite himself, his eyes grew heavy and closed. Luka slept, but Abby didn't. Abby remembered.

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They sat for a long time in the nursery, his head on her lap, her fingers in his hair before she spoke.

"So how are we going to do this?"

Luka lifted his head to look at her. "What do you want?"

"I …. I don't think I want someone else pregnant with our baby . . unless it … . it matters . . .to you . ….that it's …. yours .. ours …. "

"It will be ours . .. . we don't have to use a surrogate …. I know . . I know what you mean."

"Our baby . .growing . . .moving inside someone . . . else . . .I just . . … .I can't."

"I know. It's okay, Abby. I know." He took her hand and brought it to his lips.

"Maybe …..maybe next time."

He looked at he incredulous. Would she ever stop surprising him? "Next time?"

"Well . … maybe .. . .I mean if .. there is . . . What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Because you always surprise me." He leaned in and gave her a kiss.

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After breakfast, they visited the cemetery. Abby brought flowers. Luka prayed in Croatian. Driving home, she turned to him.

"I was wondering would you . . .would you want to adopt from Croatia?"

"I think that's pretty hard, more families looking for babies than babies up for adoption. Most of the time the family takes them in. I don't think living in America would help."

"Oh."

"What?"

"It's just if we try to adopt here, I think there's a period of time when the birth mother can change her mind. I don't think I could stand it."

Luka nodded.

"What do you think about Russia or Africa or China? You know with a baby who really needs a family?"

"We're going to love whoever comes to us."

She looked at him, thought for a moment. "We will, won't we?"

Luka smiled. "We will. "

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They spent the rest of the day searching the internet and making phone calls.

"China looks like a good option. It's possible the baby might only be three months. It would be good to be with them as soon as we could. Six months old . . . .so much would already have happened . … … "

Luka studied her. "You know if we adopt from China, it will be a girl."

"I know. But I don't want to just feel like we're replacing Josef. I don't think boy or girl matters so much . . . we'll just love them . . . . whoever they are . . … . What do we do now?"

"We get the paperwork started and we wait."

"I think I owe someone a phone call first." Abby walked over to the phone and picked it up. It had been a hard year, maybe for both of them.

"Mom?"

"Abby? Are you okay honey? I've been thinking about you all day."

"I'm fine Mom. I have . . . I have some good news."

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It took almost a year, longer than being pregnant. They'd bought a few things, but Abby didn't want to put the nursery back together till they had a baby in their arms. Something solid and real .. . . . . not just a dream . . a hope. At least she was almost done with her residency. That would make it easier. Maybe. She still worried. This time Luka knew enough to let her.

"Do you think it will be strange to have a baby from another culture?"

"I was always going to have a baby from another culture."

"You know what I mean."

"Yes, I know what you mean." Luka shrugged.

"She'll look different."

"So?"

"Well, everyone will know she's adopted."

"So?"

"So . . .she'll still be ours won't she?"

"Mmmhmm."

"You know you're very sexy when you're sure."

Luka smiled and walked towards her. "We'll just have to learn more about Chinese culture. We already like the food."

"Chinese holidays . . .. Croatian holidays . . . American holidays . . . .. . .. .sounds complicated."

"The best things are. Come here. You're very sexy when you worry."

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When they got the phone call, she looked at him and felt the tears sting her eyes.

"Are we really ready for this?"

"We're ready, Abby. We're ready."

The plane ride seemed to take forever. Finally, they were there. A man from the agency picked them up at the airport and brought them to the center. To meet their daughter. Their daughter. Abby took Luka's hand and held on tight.

They sat in the office looking across from a middle age woman who wasn't smiling. Why wasn't she smiling?

"There's been a problem."

"A problem?" Luka made the words come out of his mouth. Abby went pale.

"The baby we were hoping to send home with you became ill. She's in the hospital now having some tests."

"Ill?" Abby asked. "Well we're doctors . . maybe. . . . . . . ."

"We have protocols. However, we have had another adoption . . .with another couple . . .not go through. We thought since you are here . .. ."

"Another baby?"

"There's only one problem . … .. . . it's a boy."

They looked at each other. "It's a boy," Abby whispered.

"Would you like to see him?"

She nodded.

It was love at first sight.

The nurse placed him in her arms, and he reached a small hand up to her chin, her mouth. She kissed his fingers and smiled. Luka watched them. A son. Their son. He reached out a finger and put it in the baby's hand. Full circle. And yet they were in an entirely new place. He had finally released his anger at the injustices the world had wrought. He didn't even notice when he'd done it. When he'd married her? When he was in Africa? When she told him she wanted a child with him? As for Abby, she had conquered her fear. The reward lay in her arms, cooing, gurgling and squirming. Life and love.

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They didn't linger in China, leaving as soon as they could. Abby didn't want anything else to go wrong. Luka wanted to get his family home. He made one call from their hotel room.

"Tata?"

"Luka?"

"It's a boy."

"A boy?"

"A boy. We chose a name. Nathaniel . . .Nathaniel Javor . . . Kovac."

There was a pause and a sniff. "Good name. Nathaniel a family name for Abby?"

"It was . . .. .it was Josef's middle name. It means . … . gift."

"Gift."

"Yes."

"Very good name."

Luka looked down at the baby squirming in his arms. It was a good name.

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When Luka woke again, it was morning. He looked down, the baby had fallen asleep tucked between them. Abby was sleeping soundly, a faint smile curved on her lips. He lay there for a long time watching them. He smiled, content. Luka Kovac was home.


End file.
